Town Collectively Agrees “What Happened at Christmas Walk Stays at Christmas Walk”

From: Rusty “Scoops” McGraw, staff

NORTH BAY — Days after the 31st Annual Christmas Walk, North Bay is still recovering from the aftermath. Residents across the city have finally begun waking up from the haze of eggnog, Beaver Tails, fireworks and rioting and have awkwardly agreed that “what happened at Christmas Walk stays at Christmas Walk.”

“This is going to take weeks to clean up,” grumbles disgruntled city worker Carl Cabob. “It gets worse every year. This is the worst by far though.”

“First, I was just picking up horse dung the day after. Today I gotta pressure wash eggnog off the store windows and deal with this flipped over Beaver Tails truck. Goddamn Main Street is going to be shut down for days.”

“Oh, and speaking of the horses, don’t go down Oak Street- that’s Wagon Horse Territory now, and you wouldn’t believe it, but they can actually hold knives in their hooves.”

Déjà Vu

Elsewhere, a panicked looking Edmund Eddie, 75, lifts himself off the ground. Covered in Christmas tree tinsel and dried hot chocolate, Edmund looks around.

“Oh God, not again,” he wails.  “What happened? What the— what is this? NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!”

Edmund runs off, spent firework cartridges spilling out of his coat.

Authorities Responding

North Bay Police Sergeant Jeanette Lawrence gave a quick summary of the Christmas Walk aftermath Tuesday morning.

“I don’t know how to put this,” begins Lawrence. “But somehow, someway, someone stole the entire Dionne Quints home during the Christmas Walk.”

“It’s just gone. The trail in the snow ends on a hill, almost like it was airlifted out.”

“And don’t get me started on the ‘Carolers’ and ‘Wagon Horses’ downtown turf wars – we’re still trying to contain that situation.”

A still pantless Councilor Vic Tikus held a press conference to address the events of the Christmas Walk.

“As you are all aware, this year we may have all gotten a bit out of hand with the Christmas Walk celebrations,” bubbles Tikus. “A lot of people said and did a lot of things and I think we can all agree that we should pretend like nothing happened–”

Tikus pauses as a runaway goose bolts across the podium.

“As I was saying, my colleagues and I have all agreed to pass a motion for ‘What happened at Christmas Walk stays at Christmas Walk.”

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