Gigantic uranium-powered snow lizard attacks North Bay wharf

From: Philip St. George and Rooster Cogburn,

NORTH BAY — The King’s Landing Wharf has been partially destroyed thanks to a giant ice monster.

The 60 foot tall “snow lizard” rose from the depths of Lake Nipissing Wednesday morning and “broke the dock like a campaign promise” says eyewitness Bishop “Two Teeth” Bradley.

 “Oh yeh, I was sitting on the rocks there, when all of a sudden this thing come bustin’ through like a hot outhouse breeze,” recounts Bradley. “It was screaming and bellowin’ louder than Vic Fedeli’s bright yellow tie.”

“Well it’s yowling like a cat making kittens and whipping around like a rooster with a sock on its head. It started smashing the dock, so I yelled ‘hey man, don’t do dat!’ but it pay no mind.”

The creature spent nearly two minutes “thrashing like a sack of snakes” before sinking back under the waves.

“No Comment”

Local scientist Headley Constant was on the scene after the attack, and reported strong levels of alpha and gamma radiation, which “is typical of uranium.”

The North Bay Bay reached out to nearby mining company “Theiranium” about a possible link.

“We have no comment on what Monty did—er, I mean we have no comment,” responded Theiranium CEO Aria Dotin. “No more questions.”

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