The North Bay Bay

From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTH BAY — Having presented a bylaw that would prohibit citizens from smoking or vaping in public and workplaces, Councillor Marcus Tignanelli has committed himself to enforcing the bylaw – personally.

“Smoking and vaping are rascally habits,” says Tignanelli. “‘An I figure it’s just about time we stamp them out. No one should have to be exposed to secondhand smoke at the beach, on the street, or in the workplace.”

“So that’s why I’ve bought a horse.”

Dr. Butt, Tignanelli’s new purebred American Quarter Horse, will assist Marcus in “wrangling up all the stray smokers left in the city.”

Donning a ten-gallon cowboy hat, vest, and leather chaps, Tignanelli spoke to The North Bay Bay from atop Dr. Butt.

“As soon as this here new bylaw passes, me and Dr. Butt will be out on the trail,” drawls Tignanelli. “If we see a vaper, or a smoker, we’re gonna wrangle them right up quick and get ’em out of this here city.”

Big Guy, Good With Knots

Tignanelli believes he’ll be good at the job.

“Oh, ayuh. I know I will be. See, I’m a big guy and I’m good with knots. I tie a real good lasso, and damned if I can’t whip that thing faster than a buttered bullet. Yeehaw!”

Dr. Butt whinnies.

“Dr. Butt and I can snare a running calf from twenty feet away and have ’em tied in under ten seconds. Snaring some belly cheatin’ smoker won’t be no different, plus with their heavy lungs, it’s mighty doubtful them croakers’ll be able to run far.”

Smokers Go Where?

But what will Sheriff Tignanelli do with his wrangled up bylaw breakers?

“Well, I reckon I got this here farm just outside town with some 300 acres to it. Them there dastardly smokers and vapers can smoke and vape as much as they like there. Well, in between swinging their picks and bustin’ up rocks, that is.”

Tignanelli chuckles before cajoling Dr. Butt into a trot.

“Welp, time to hit the ‘ol dusty trail. Mayhap I’ll go see what ‘ol Doc Chirico is upta. Prob’bly havin’ a right proper fandango o’er at City Hall. I might just join ‘em, pilgrim. Ayup. Mayhap I just might.”