The North Bay Bay

From: Jennifer Hanson, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTH BAY — Following an in-depth look at each City Councillor’s spending for last year, Marcus Tignanelli has come under scrutiny for racking up nearly $7200 in expenditures.

The first time Councillor was reimbursed for travel, conference fees, accommodation, and several educational courses.

“It was through these that I learned to build the laser,” whispers Tignanelli.

Leaning in, Marcus motions to come closer.

“And between you and me, I was the top student. No one can build a laser like I can.”

Some Assembly Required

After learning how to build a dangerous high energy beam, Tignanelli says he set about gathering the parts needed to construct such a device.

“I paid for my own flights, and most of my own hotels. Really, all the City paid for were the parts.”

After 8 months and “hours and hours of cutting, welding, and assembling tiny Ikea circuit boards,” Tignanelli says his laser was complete.

“Getting it into orbit was pretty easy, in hindsight.”

Highly Focused

In total, the 19 foot light emitting weapon, which Marcus calls “Cindy,” was constructed for just under $3000 CAD.

“It’s now an integral part of North Bay’s new economic development plan,” explains Tignanelli. “We’re encouraging businesses to invest in North Bay before we invest in them with 9200 kilowatts of highly focused light capable of hitting targets at a range of 90 000 kilometres in 1.3 seconds.”

Tignanelli takes a moment to pet his new Siamese cat, Azrael.

“We’ve had several businesses seriously interested in investing in North Bay, and one that is rethinking their stance after 3 of their factories spontaneously melted.”

Azrael purrs.

“I’d call that taxpayer money very well spent, wouldn’t you?”

Other hidden Councillor expenses included $1900 for the construction of Mike Anthony’s failed “Ant-agonizer” beam, and the $80 Johanne Brousseau reluctantly accepted after baking homemade cookies for orphans.