North Bay taxi services now accepting live organs as payment

From: Jennifer Hanson, staff

NORTH BAY — Those looking to pay off an expensive taxi ride will now have another option at their disposal: live organ transplant.

The owners of two prominent taxi companies have joined forces to launch a new pilot program in North Bay which could see passengers paying for their rides with a kidney, liver, or lung.

“Basically, if you’ve got two of ’em, we’ll take one of ’em,” explains 50-50 Cab owner Ed Herman. “We’ve heard complaints that it costs too much to take a taxi anywhere in North Bay these days, and we here at 50-50 sympathize. So, in partnership with I-NEED-A-CAR, we’re happy to offer live organ transplant as a payment option.”

“Think of it this way: $25 to get from the bus depot to The North Bay Mall, or, a few tiny little slices of your liver? Your call!”

Rideshare Campaign Response

Frank Ross, the owner and operator of I-NEED-A-CAR, says that the new campaign is in “no way a response to the Rideshare Campaign” which has amassed a large following on Facebook.

“Rideshares are unsafe, unpredictable, and stupid,” says Ross. “Our cab drivers stop at every light, don’t speed, never cut anyone off, always signal, and best of all, they charge a very meager $5 just for the car to show up.”

“All of our employees are highly skilled drivers, and now they’ll also be highly skilled surgeons!”

Ross explains that willing donors will be able to give up a kidney, part of their liver, a lung, excess intestines, or their pancreas to a taxi driver, who will perform the operation on site.

“Each taxi now has a convenient non-stain bed stowed away in the trunk, and 32 freshly sterilized surgical instruments with which the driver can perform the operation.”

Lungs are worth nearly $30 each, kidneys $10, liver slices $8, and intestines are valued at $5 a foot.

“Careful how much you give though, because the anesthetic is extra.”

North Bay Transit

North Bay Transit has responded to the program, calling it “wasteful” and “short-sighted.”

Greg Raimi, the Manager of Transit for North Bay, says that the new live organ transplant program is doomed to fail.

“Listen, there’s only so much a man or woman can give before they die,” says Raimi. “Sure, maybe they’ll limp on without a kidney and a lung, but how long before the program collapses because no one’s left alive to use it?”

“That’s why North Bay Transit is proud to announce that we have approved a new promotion which grants any citizen a free 1-month bus pass in exchange for their first born infant child.”

“Everyone knows babies are worth way more than organs. That’s just basic economics”

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