Sidewalks declared a “No-Man’s Land”

From: Darren D. MacDonald and staff

NORTH BAY — North Bay sidewalks remain near insurmountable after normal levels of snowfall have left them obstructed, with some local citizens taking it upon themselves to clear the paths.

But fear and chaos have run rampant since Friday morning when City Councillor Grey Terrence, the new interim Chair of Engineering, Public Works and Environmental Services, declared a state of emergency from outside his Callander home.

“The City of North Bay simply does not have the resources to clear the sidewalks,” says Terrence. “We had a budget for snow removal, but we spent it all in November. So the City is no longer going to take responsibility for pedestrian footpaths.”

“Instead, we are declaring the all North Bay sidewalks are now to be considered a ‘No-Man’s Land.'”

Police Advice

The North Bay Police held a press conference Friday afternoon following Terrence’s declaration. There, Sergeant Jeanette Lawrence explained exactly what a “No Man’s Land” means.

“The sidewalks are now in a sort of legal limbo,” says Lawrence. “They are technically not a part of the North Bay Police’s jurisdiction any longer. They are, quite literally, a six foot trench where the law has ceased to exist.”

“So we advise that all North Bayites avoid the sidewalks at all costs. If you do not have a car, consider taking the bus, or perhaps just waiting for the snow to melt – because if you get into any trouble on the sidewalks, you’re going to be on your own.”

Mass Anarchy

Since Lawrence’s announcement, reports of gang violence on City sidewalks have begun rolling in, with an alarming dispatch that the infamous “Scooter Gang” have claimed sections of Cassells Street. The Hood Punchers have also reportedly punched several cars directly in their hoods.

Meanwhile, rogue council members have taken to the sidewalks outside their Airport homes with baseball bats, nunchuks, and in one case, a pillow case full of 200 freshly-minted North Bay coins.

“Damned if I’m going to let these hooligans come up Airport,” said Councillor Sheegan, swinging a homemade flail. “I’ve been waiting years to crack some dirty downtowner skulls, and today’s the day!”

“We may have failed at cleaning up the sidewalks, but I’m sure as hell gonna clean up this city!”

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