From: Darren D. MacDonald, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTH BAY — North Bay was once known across the country as a perfect city where nothing happens. But local conspiracy theorist Andy Letterman wants to change that.
Letterman has strong opinions on all the hot topic theories: landing on the moon, Paul McCartney being dead, and the “Snub Disphenoid Earth” theory.
“I really don’t like when people call them conspiracy theories,” says Letterman. “I’d even go so far as to say they aren’t theories but facts. But, I’ve already accepted that they will be called theories. I just hate when people call them conspiracy theories.”
Fever Dream Revelation
Letterman’s explains his most recent revelation.
“I was at home the other day, sick with a massive fever when it struck me,” says Letterman. “What if City Hall was run by shadfly people?! I had no immediate proof, just a horrible fever dream where Marcus Tignanelli was chasing me with his legally insured golden shovel.”
“Lizard people? Pssshhhaaa! They are SHADFLY PEOPLE!.”
When Letterman woke up, he went straight to his computer to research and document his progress. Of course – with him having a reality altering fever – much of it was gibberish. That didn’t hold him back. In a document titled “Shadpie Fleeple” Letterman outlined his evidence:
- North Bay is located close to a lake, which shadflies need
- You never see City Councillors at night – this is because they know that they would try to fly straight into street lights, revealing their secret
- The City exhibits the same reckless behaviour of that of a creature with a 2 day or less lifespan
After the fever wore off, Lettermen looked at his notes and knew something was missing. Then it hit him.
“I was waiting for my bus at the terminal, and I was staring at the map of all the routes and it clicked… The routes of the North Bay City Transit are in the shape of a shadfly! This was the only piece of evidence I needed!”
Bringing in the Big-Wigs
We called local Conspiracy Theory expert and podcast celebrity Matt McDonald of “Big If True” podcast fame to see what he thinks. He had this to say on the phone:
“I don’t generally want to validate many of the more far out conspiracy theories, especially ones that uses non-evidence gathered in a drunken feverish haze… but that transit map DOES look like a shadfly”
Is North Bay being run by a race of half-human, half-shadfly beings? Almost certainly not, but Andy Letterman is sticking to his theory.
“The word ‘Shadfly’ has 7 letters in it,” explains Letterman. “If you give each of the letters of the word ‘shadfly’ a numerical value, then you get the number 742.3359. If you call that number with the 705 area code, you get an irate man who yells at you to stop calling.”
“Why? What does he have to hide!?”