CONFIRMED: There is a secret underground tunnel beneath Airport Road for rich people

From: Jennifer Hanson, staff

NORTH BAY – A loud hiss and muted squeal announces the arrival of the 7:00 am secret subway train.

Idling 80 feet underground, the sleek silver bullet waits for North Bay’s wealthiest to board before rocketing itself down a stretch of track that runs the entirety of Airport Road before splintering into a network of stretches, loops, and junctions.

To the left of the Airport tracks are a perfectly packed snow slope that the elite use to ski down from Wallace Heights to Josephine, Champlain, or Cartier St.

Most choose to exit at Champlain.

“They’re going to the Starbucks,” explains Alton Hathaway, secret tunnel butler. “They get their screaming at minimum wage employees done early so as to enjoy the rest of the day.”

Secret Membership

Membership to the secret underground is limited to residents of Airport Road who qualify based on a stringent set of monetary prerequisites coupled with a location check, though exceptions are made.

“Exceptions based on location, not wealth,” snuffs Hathaway. “We have a few members from Graniteville and Birch Haven.”

“Absolutely none from Ferris.”

Those looking to join the secret rich people underground are advised to read the pamphlet that has been discreetly slid into you mailbox before burning it.

And while the underground subway and ski slope should be enough to entice anyone whose total assets exceed $2 million, Hathaway says there’s other perks.

“In the summertime we open the Airport Slip ‘N Slide for children and men who possess a private healthcare portfolio.”

“Nearly a full kilometer of slipping, sliding, and replacement hip testing at one’s convenience.”

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