Santa not visiting North Bay, sending Krampus army instead

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY — Just when you thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse.

Monday evening, a prepared announcement from the North Pole revealed that Santa would not only be bypassing North Bay this year, but also that Claus would be sending the Gateway to the North a “veritable army of Krampusse.”

“North Bay has been very naughty,” reads the statement from Claus, “and not in a fun, ‘spank me daddy’ sort of way.”

The statement continues:

“I could list off the bad things North Bay did in 2020, but won’t. That would be depressing and cruel. Instead, I’m sending a squadron of Krampusse to North Bay, which is less depressing, equally as cruel, and way more terrifying.”

“And yes, the plural of ‘Krampus’ is ‘Krampusse.’ Hope you enjoy them.”

Krampus is Coming

Krampus, a horrific, hairy goat-man who eats people after stuffing them into a sack, is often depicted as being an evil counterpart (and occasional ally) of St. Nicholas. 

How Santa Claus managed to breed enough Krampusse to front a squadron of them is currently unknown.

Despite unanimously claiming “North Bay ain’t afraid of no Krampus,” City Council passed a motion 12-0 to officially declare all council members as being “too big to fit in a sack.”

“This ‘Sack Declaration’ totally isn’t something new – we’ve been working on it for at least 5 years now,” says Deputy Mayor Tanya Vrebosch from atop her six-inch heels. “Anyways, best of luck to those of you who are under 5 feet tall.”

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