Pressure crack consumes The Boat

From: Jennifer Hanson, staff

NORTH BAY — A pressure crack which had formed off the side of King’s Landing Wharf opened last night and consumed The Boat.

The original Chief Commanda sunk suddenly into the icy waters of Lake Nipissing sometime around 1 am today, leaving only the bow visible.

Eyewitness Rooster Cogburn was walking on the wharf just before the ship sank.

“First thing I heard was a crack louder than Fran Drescher,” says Cogburn. “So I walked out and there she was – the Chief, going down faster than a Maple Leaf in the playoffs.”

Cogburn alerted the authorities who told him nothing could be done until sunrise.

“They say she’s darker than a sack of cats, so they’re not coming. I stayed with her, though – must’ve played Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald 20 times before anyone came.”

By morning, a light sheen of ice had covered The Boat, making it “glisten like a nose hair after a sneeze.”

Suspicious Circumstances

North Bay Police Services arrived in the early morning to survey the damage.

“While this appears to be a simple case of a pressure crack collapsing, I’m not convinced it happened naturally,” says Sergeant Jeanette Lawrence. “I’ll remind the public that the Chief Commanda II is battle ready and is still at large.”

Elsewhere, City Council convened for an emergency meeting to address the disaster.

“After a short discussion, Council has decided to attempt to recover the The Boat,” says Councillor Grey Terrence. “Two large snow plows mounted with giant blow torches will soon drive out on the ice to thaw the area so that a team can go down and access the damage.”

“If it is possible to refloat The Boat, we will. If not, I’ve instructed the team to recover as much wine, liquor, and Boat Juice as they can so that we have something to remember the ship by.”

Terrence thinks for a moment.

“There might be a silver lining: having spent nearly 12 hours in freezing cold temperatures, the cans of Coors Light are probably so cold that they’re almost drinkable.”

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