From: Jennifer Hanson, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTH BAY — A pressure crack which had formed off the side of King’s Landing Wharf opened last night and consumed The Boat.
The original Chief Commanda sunk suddenly into the icy waters of Lake Nipissing sometime around 1 am today, leaving only the bow visible.
Eyewitness Rooster Cogburn was walking on the wharf just before the ship sank.
“First thing I heard was a crack louder than Fran Drescher,” says Cogburn. “So I walked out and there she was – the Chief, going down faster than a Maple Leaf in the playoffs.”
Cogburn alerted the authorities who told him nothing could be done until sunrise.
“They say she’s darker than a sack of cats, so they’re not coming. I stayed with her, though – must’ve played Wreck of The Edmund Fitzgerald 20 times before anyone came.”
By morning, a light sheen of ice had covered The Boat, making it “glisten like a nose hair after a sneeze.”
Suspicious Circumstances
North Bay Police Services arrived in the early morning to survey the damage.
“While this appears to be a simple case of a pressure crack collapsing, I’m not convinced it happened naturally,” says Sergeant Jeanette Lawrence. “I’ll remind the public that the Chief Commanda II is battle ready and is still at large.”
Elsewhere, City Council convened for an emergency meeting to address the disaster.
“After a short discussion, Council has decided to attempt to recover the The Boat,” says Councillor Grey Terrence. “Two large snow plows mounted with giant blow torches will soon drive out on the ice to thaw the area so that a team can go down and access the damage.”
“If it is possible to refloat The Boat, we will. If not, I’ve instructed the team to recover as much wine, liquor, and Boat Juice as they can so that we have something to remember the ship by.”
Terrence thinks for a moment.
“There might be a silver lining: having spent nearly 12 hours in freezing cold temperatures, the cans of Coors Light are probably so cold that they’re almost drinkable.”
Rooster Cogburn. Fran zdreschers crack, and darker than a sack of cats…. what the hell.
Got me again until half way thru then I realized hahah
You are good, real good!
I want to meet this Rooster Cogburn guy. He sounds like a real good time.?
Why wasnt it dry docked
LOL the chief couldn’t sink there, indeed the chief would not sink completely below the water anywhere between the dock and the Manitous, it’s too shallow.
Omg
This was great. Interesting until I saw Rooster Cogburn name. And knowing that it cannot sink there, it all came together. I had a good laugh!!
Rooster Cogburn … as in John Wayne?
Eye witness rooster cogburn are you serious how long did you think before someone caught that one try again
LoL. Glisten like a nose hair after a sneeze . I think I may have to use that in my creative writing class . well done
Creative writing genius at work. Best article I’ve ever read! Dang! You’re good!!
Darker than a bag of cats…speaking as a animal lover that is very dark…first story of my day and a rather interesting one
I would like to thank Mr. Len s Minolta for a vivid reconstruction of this tragedy it will be vividly pictured in my mind
Was this not the restaurant. Was it not dry docked! Where will all those college yuppies drink in the summer now!
I we took my dad there for outings when he was in Casselholme a few years back .. He enjoyed it!! Far from a Yuppy!!
Loved it!
Well I thought it strange the minute they said it sank as my understanding is there is a huge cement Dry Dock underneath the old chief and the water and hydro connections would have been seriously damaged. As well I truly doubt the police would not show up as well as First Responders
Excellent creative writing though and it first I would thought it was true except I do understand how they have it perch there
So funny, loved Rooster Coburn.
Sinking faster then the Leafs in the playoffs …sick!.
Ya sinking faster than the leafs in the playoffs was a good one. Everyone knows that the leafs don’t make the playoffs…
Is this for real or is it just a bunch of fake shite
Rooster what were you on buddy. Had to be pretty good stuff.
As soon as I read Rooster Cogburn, I knew it was a spoof. Commentary following has been a hoot to read, sitting in my chair chuckling to myself. ?
I thought this was great. Had me going for a SHORT but I must tell you someone I know, sent it to me as they were all concerned and believed it to be true. THAT was even funnier than the article. Keep posting these! We all could use more HUMOUR these days.
I would like to see the North Bay News investigate the disappearance of the Snail Darter in Escargot Bay. Wildlife Biologists say accurate counts of the species has been difficult because they dodge capture.
It’s not April Fools yet, nice try though!
This is all a terrible tragedy! Oh the humanity! Did the first responders save the cargo of booze? Was it lost? In this matter my emotions range from thirst to incredulity…now where can I get free beer?
Well done! Had me going until I read Rooster Cogburn. After that, a hoot for sure
Hope they can salvage the snow plows. Maybe they can refloat them?
Too Funny needed a laugh ?
A very hard to fallow story, it jumps all over and to other things not explained in this write up. Really makes zero sense.
Someone’s got a good sense of humour. Well done! I am disturbed by the picture doctoring though. False news and photos are everywhere now creating a society where one doesn’t know what to believe. However,, on the other hand ,when you have a talented creative funny author who makes pains to ensure the reader would know the story is false it makes the day a little brighter. Keep on keepin on! Cheers