A Report On North Bay’s Yellow Vest Rally

From: Philip St. George & Bena Boss, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTH BAY — With a battle cry of “WE ARE NOT RACISTS!” North Bay’s second Yellow Vest Rally began Saturday afternoon outside City Hall.

The Yellow Vest Rally decreased its numbers from the previous meeting, with only five middle aged white people showing up.  Sadly, they still did not have enough attendees to ice an official hockey team, which is the standard measure of protest success in Canada.

“Well, we could if we didn’t have defensemen,” protested protester Jason McKevitt. “And that’s what the Yellow Vest Movement is about. We don’t need any sort of defense.”

The peaceful protest began outside city hall, with some peaceful North Bay protesters recalling fondly all the times they peacefully stated that Muslims “had nothing” on Hitler, compared single Muslim men to pedophiles, and declared that Antifa members should get “shit kick(ed) in jail,” “feel true hurt,” and deserve to be knocked out only to wake up “eating lunch through a straw.”

Protester Ryan Chambers explained, once again, how the Yellow Vest Movement was not, in any way, racially or violently charged.

“I know we post a ton of stuff on our Facebook page about Islam and Muslims being evil, and how terrible immigrants are, but we are NOT RACIST and I’ll fight anyone who says different.”

“I’m part Irish and I think my great, great grandmother might have been native, so it’s not even possible for me to racist. How can I be racist when I’m a race too?”

“Answer me that, lefties.”

“Some Backlash”

Co-organizer Liza Batts concedes that there’s been some backlash to their “misunderstood” anti-immigrant rhetoric.

“Just because the Yellow Vests out west are linked to far-right, radical anti-immigration gangs doesn’t mean the Yellow Vests in North Bay are too.”

When asked why she didn’t choose a movement not directly linked to racism and xenophobia, Batts falls into an uncomfortable silence.

“Yeah, I mean…” replies Batts. “I guess we could have avoided the whole race/xenophobia/alt-right thing and had a blue shirt protest, or a red toque rally, or whatever, but… Well, we just…”

Batts pulls at her yellow vest.

“It doesn’t matter. No more questions.”

Official Yellow Vest Mascot

“Anyways, to help with all the stupid, totally not necessary backlash, we thought a mascot might help soften our image,” says Batts. “We wanted to communicate what we stand for: less immigration, more patriotism, and definitely not being racist.”

“Something noble, intelligent, strong. Something… relatable. So, we settled on a giant, angry, man-spreading beaver dressed like an RCMP officer.”

When questioned on her understanding of Canada’s history of relentless colonialism, Batts simply shouted “NO MORE COSTLY TWEETS!” “PATRIOTS UNITE!” and “WE’RE NOT RACISTS!”

Meanwhile, fellow Yellow Vest protestors reinforced Batt’s claims by holding up a sign reading “honk if you hate brown people.”

“We just want to talk peacefully and in good faith,” says protestor Randy Rantelam. “We’re good, fair, polite people, unlike that ignorant limp-dicked jet-setting sock puppet traitor Justin Trudeau.”

Elsewhere, attendee Mark Toft was shocked to find out about the Yellow Vest Movement.

“What?!” yelled an alarmed Toft. “This is a Yellow Vest Rally?!”

“My God – I’m colour blind! I thought this was a Green Vest Rally to save the Blanding’s turtles. Jesus! I gotta get out of here.”

“These guys are racist as hell!”

Feel free to share!