North Bay tops in U-Boat Growth Index

From: Jennifer Hanson, staff

NORTH BAY – For the first time ever, North Bay has topped the U-Boat Growth chart.

The achievement is awarded to the North American city with the most active U-Boats.

North Bay has two.

“Two?!” screams U-Boat captain Jurg Huffmann. “Scheiße! But where’s the other one?”

All Hands!

Huffmann, who until the report’s release believed he captained the only U-Boat in Lake Nipissing, calls all hands and drops to periscope depth.

Wo sind sie?” breaths Huffmann. “Herrmann, load the torpedoes!”

Herrmann informs Huffman that they traded the torpedoes in 2019 for toilet paper.

Himmeldonnerwetter!” howls Huffmann.

Council Pleased

City Councillor Grey Terrence says he’s really pleased by the news.

“It’s a huge accomplishment not only for North Bay, but for whoever managed to get a fully-armed, diesel-electric German Type XXI U-Boat into Lake Nipissing without anyone noticing,” says Terrence.

“Er, at least that’s what I’m guessing they brought in.”

Terrence coughs.

“Anyways, what would someone even do with a U-Boat? Do you think they could give people tours of the lake? Or use it to hold the town hostage in exchange for the Manitou Islands?”

“Hypothetically speaking, of course.”

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