North Bay collectively decides it’s “too cool” for Starbucks

From: Jennifer Hanson, staff

NORTH BAY — A new Starbucks, built on Algonquin Ave., is set to open May 24th. But North Bay has already decided it’s too cool for the popular franchise.

“Their coffee is horrible,” says regular everyday citizen Rebecca Traylor. “It’s overpriced and tastes bad and I won’t ever go in there.”

“I think I speak for everyone in a 50 kilometer radius when I say Starbucks is absolute crap,” says other regular everyday North Bay citizen Chad Roderick. “In fact, I know I do. Nobody is going to go to that Starbucks. I’ll stick to the full, rich, aromatic taste of my freshly brewed, 100% Canadian Tim Hortons coffee.”

“And anyone who doesn’t like it can suck a butt.”

“McDonald’s coffee is better anyway,” sneers Jen Bailey. “And McDonald’s gives you stickers. Does Starbucks give you stickers? Probably not – I’m not really sure. I’ve never been, but I know one thing: I’m not going to Starbucks. Not once, not even to check it out. Starbucks is for losers.”

Starbucks Concerned

Starbucks manager Shannon Cloutier is concerned.

“We haven’t even opened yet and North Bay has already decided we’re not good enough,” says Cloutier. “I just don’t know how we’ll manage. Being a part of a beloved coffee chain with nearly 30 000 locations and $24 billion in revenue worldwide will help, but not if North Bay doesn’t think we’re cool.”

Cloutier’s concerns are warranted, says Chad Roderick.

“Cloutier can suck a butt too,” spits Roderick. “That stuff they serve is no better than sludge. And the location! They put it at the top of Algonquin so they could cater to the old, out-of-touch, rich uppity Airport types and the slack-jawed, lazy, useless Millennials and Gen Zs.”

“Starbucks is just another faceless, butt-sucking, multi-billion dollar franchise with no soul.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go enjoy a delicious new Tim Hortons Maple French Toast Breakfast Sandwich®.”

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