From: Jennifer Hanson, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTH BAY – Someone has secretly been feeding local squirrels a steady diet of performance-enhancing, nutritionally-dense peanut butter balls to bolster their overall strength and stamina.
Every one of the nearly 2000 squirrels being monitored by local scientist Headley Constant are “absolutely shredded.”
“I saw the first squirrel two weeks ago when walking in Laurier Woods,” says Constant. “I spotted it up in a tree, where – to my amazement – it was being spotted by two other squirrels while it lifted a heavy rock.”
Constant has since captured one of the rodents to test its might.
“The squirrel had a single rep max bench of 3 pounds, a 4 pound squat and 6 pound deadlift,” explains Constant. “That’s particularly concerning when you realize most squirrels only weight a pound or less.”
Constant gave the squirrel a complimentary shot of creatine before sending it on its way.
But who is making North Bay’s squirrels so ridiculously swole? And why?
“They might be getting jacked to fight against North Bay’s notoriously ferocious racoons,” hypothesizes Constant. “Or maybe someone is helping them better themselves as squirrels through athletic feats of strength.”
“Whatever this mystery person put in their peanut butter balls is dynamite though. And tasty!”
Squirrel Steals Child?
Local conspiracy theorist Michelle Granger says she knows why.
“They’re going to steal our children,” whispers Granger. “They’re going to steal them for science.”
“There’s nothing more terrifying in this world than a squirrel that can carry a 10 pound baby.”
Constant dismisses Granger’s claims.
“I honestly believe the squirrels might just be doing it for fun now,” says Constant. “Whoever started them on this path knew what they were doing, but the squirrels have taken over and made it their culture.”
“I’m not 100% sure, but yesterday I think I heard a squirrel call me ‘bro.’”