North Bay Sign Wars escalate, 39 dead

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY – It was pandemonium on the streets of the city as the North Bay Sign War escalated into a massive, full-scale battle.

Wielding everything from medieval claymores to sharpened garden stakes, brawlers from all over the city clashed on Main St. to decide a champion.

Polishing the end of a still smoking 6 inch silencer, Dave Wolfe says the North Bay Public Library is the clear winner.

“No one heard us coming,” smiles Wolfe. “The fight was overdue, really. I’m glad it’s done, but we can make shhhhhh happen again.”

“It’s just another chapter for us, and we’re ready to turn the page. We will author our own future. You can quote me on that.”

Wolfe holsters his weapon and stretches.

“Well, time to book it back.”

Signs of the Struggle

Police Sergeant Jeanette Lawrence is investigating the Main St. battlefield to look for additional participants.

“Not everyone has the library’s spine,” explains Lawrence, “so we’ve got to look for clues as to who was here.”

So far, Sergeant Lawrence suspects the participation of dozens of businesses.

“The sharpened trowels point to Burrows,” muses Lawrence. “I’ve got two men who appear to be crushed by a giant tomato, so East Side Mario’s is definitely in the mix.”

“There’s also hundreds of 8 tracks on the battlefield, which puts Chatelaine’s Bargains under suspicion.”

Other evidence includes multiple crucifixes (Trinity United Church), stage lights fashioned into enormous bone-brushing flails (Capitol Centre), what appear to be homemade Tasers (Battery Battery), and a “shockingly large number of adult toys.”

“Don’t look at us,” says Fanny’s dancer Bambi. “We came armed with flamethrowers.”

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