From: Darren D. MacDonald and Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTH BAY – With one day left in the year, the City of North Bay is preparing for its year-end apocalypse.
Preparations include stocking up on food, provisions, and medical supplies and closing all the roads in and out of the city. Some intrepid citizens have sealed their houses and have armed themselves, while others are committed to meeting the year-end decimation with open arms.
“I think it’s healthy for us as a town to close our metaphorical doors and let North Bay be North Bay,” says City Councillor Vic Tikus. “At least for one more day, until a horrible, fiery apocalyptic event scourges the city – leaving it raw, clean and wriggling for next year.”
In previous years, the Ontario government has warned outsiders from travelling to or even near North Bay, but due to budget cuts, such warnings were not issued.
“I’m not worried about outsiders getting swept up in the cataclysmic event that hits North Bay at the end of every year,” explains Tikus. “I’m sure the hellish screams of an entire city burdened by otherworldly knowledge will keep them away.”
“And if that doesn’t do it, the bad egg smell probably will.”
North Bay Police Sergeant Jeanette Lawrence has been hosting workshops and lectures across the City to make sure that citizens are prepared for the annual apocalypse.
“We want to make sure that people apocalypse right and apocalypse safely,” says Lawrence. “I would recommend that folks have an ‘End of Days Kit’ in their car and house, in case of any pre-catastrophe looting. The kit should include things like canned food, a thrice-blessed scimitar, and self-defence pocket sand™ to throw at any aggressive neighbours.”
“It’s never the apocalypse itself that is dangerous,” continues Lawrence, “because no one ever survives THE ONE BEYOND’S hideous visitation. It’s more how everyone acts in the hours before that THE ONE BEYOND’s unbearable understanding sweeps the city that creates the real risks.”
“Of course, once THE ONE BEYOND annihilates everyone and everything in North Bay at 12:01 AM, IT will reconstruct the city as it wants for another year.”
“I can only pray that we make IT happy in 2020 so that the horror can finally stop.”
Some Services Disrupted
During the 31st, many services will be switching their yearly “Apocalypse Schedules.”
There will be restricted Mail Delivery Services as mail carriers instead roam in packs and feed off of stray animals.
City Council will also be meeting on the 31st for a “last man standing” Thunderdome-esque meetings which will be broadcast live on UrTV.
City Transit will be fitting their buses with spinning death saws and won’t be picking up passengers, similar to how they already operate the rest of the year.
A Mayor’s Warning
“Unlike some others, I think the city-wide Eldritch devastation created by THE ONE BEYOND is great,” says McDonald. “After we’re all reconstructed by ITS unknowable dread appendages, we can shake out all of our negative feelings.”
“But just remember: before 12:01 AM on January 1st, if at any point you feel that your life is in danger, for the love of god DO NOT CALL THE POLICE. In the last few days before the apocalypse, all local police are slowly driven mad by THE ONE BEYOND’S unknowable wisdom and will be more like crazed sharks in fetid water than actual people. If they smell even the slightest bit of unease, they will be over you like a swarm of rabid shadflies on a well-lit Circle K.”
“And there are things worse than a city-wide apocalypse, my friends. There are things much, much worse.”
McDonald takes a moment to choke in a creeping sob.
“Anyways – long live North Bay, ALL HAIL ŦĦºƛƋƔƪƪƺ, and Happy New Years!”
The North Bay Bay wishes all of our readers Amiable Apocalypse.