From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTH BAY — Mick Tanger owns a lot of handkerchiefs.
The local man says he has “upwards of 600 cloth hankies” at his disposal.
“I tried using plastic handkerchief but they didn’t work as well as the cloth ones,” explains Tanger. “They’re just not as absorbent.”
Tanger says he’s been peeing on all of his handkerchiefs because he “knows something big is coming.”
“It’s obvious when you look at the signs,” explains Tanger. “It’s in the stars, in the news. In these goat entrails that I’m currently reading.”
“Something’s coming, and the only way we’re going to survive is by peeing on handkerchiefs in public and then by holding them over our faces.”
Here to Help
Why not use regular masks, or even higher grade N95 masks?
“Masks are just another way the government is controlling the world,” spits Tanger. “But urine-soaked rags pressed flat over the mouth and nose – that’s a weapon of the people.”
Tanger says he’ll be hanging around downtown in case anyone needs help “preparing for the oncoming apocalypse.”
“I’ve got 4 litres of water and a weak bladder and I’m here to make sure everyone is safe.”
Unrelated Bulletin
In unrelated news, local woman Verna Benson would like to enlist the public’s help in the finding of her lost pet goat.
“His name is Scruffy and he’s my children’s best friend.”