North Bay is #2!

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY – In time for Universal Children’s Day, Maclean’s has released its annual report on the happiness, cleanliness, friendliness, and hardiness of 30 Ontario cities.

Researches looked at each city’s economy, infrastructure, work prospects, national reputation, recent history and crimes statistics. Respective categories were weighed and scored before being added and averaged to produce an overall rank.

“It’s a slow process, but one we enjoy” Maclean’s researcher Kelda Brandie noted. “We have a team here which travels to each of the 30 cities and lives there for a week. It gives them a good feel for the place which they combine with statistical data to create each town’s final score.”

“So, with our experience and with all of our statistical data we all mutually decided that North Bay is the kind of place we needed to leave as quickly as we could.”

“That’s why we ranked it the #2 city in Ontario to Get the Hell Out of as Soon as Possible.”

Many Notes

The team stayed in North Bay from October 24th to November 1st and made many notes on North Bay.

“Our team had a lot of reports to give, both positive and negative. But most towns are like that, so it’s nothing new.”

“What really set North Bay apart was the lack of quality local jobs, the bemoaning of a lack of quality local jobs, and the near absence of support for people attempting to create or conserve quality local jobs.”

“Also, Main St. is kinda of a wreck.”

Positives include easy access to Tim Hortons franchise restaurants, a growing arts culture, easy access to Dollaramas, the presence of an OHL team, easy access to Cash Money Marts, and the existence of two post-secondary education institutions.

“We saw how much new blood (Nipissing and Canadore) were bringing into the city, but then we saw how much people complained about the students too, so it kind of evened out.”

“We heard the waterfront was beautiful but we were never able to make it there through all the construction.”

Rise Up

So what can North Bay do to move out of the #2 spot?

“Man, I don’t know,” Brandie  said. “Maybe get a Starbucks or something? Listen, I just do research. Ask your Council.”

Those living in North Bay can take some solace in the fact that the city was not ranked in first place.

“#1 would be Thunder Bay. But only because of the police corruption and systematic racism. If T Bay can fix that, N Bay will be #1 with a bullet!”

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