From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTH BAY — Local inventor Jerry Morton loves Halloween.
“Halloween is the best holiday, bar none,” says Morton. “You can imagine how I felt about Ford’s recent warnings about sending kids out to Trick or Treat.”
“No one should miss out on Trick or Treating, so that’s why I’m investing heavily into Iron Age projectile weapons.”
Morton believes that coupling ancient Greek war machines with social distancing regulations is a winning solution.
“It’s contactless delivery,” explains Morton. “If kids come to the end of my driveway, I can easily slingshot some candy at their bags. Recent tests say I’m 64% accurate at a range of under 20 feet so there’s a good chance I’ll hit them.”
But what about the kids that are too afraid to venture far from home?
“Well those kids are the reason why I built this baby here,” smiles Morton next to his 15 foot tall catapult. “If the kids can’t come to the candy, then the candy will come to the kids.”
“This catapult has a verified range of almost 800 feet, which means that from my house on Fraser I can rain down thousands of gobstoppers on children anywhere from here to 6th Avenue.”
For those worried about contamination, Morton says he has the solution.
“Firstly, I’ll be masked and wearing gloves, but if that’s not enough, I invested in a potato cannon that uses pure alcohol as a propellant. So not only will the candy be coming to your child at 60 km/hr, it will also be 100% sanitary.”
“They might be a bit warm though, so kids will want to wear gloves. And helmets.”
“Yeah. Definitely helmets.”