North Bay homeowner confident convoluted, “Home Alone” style action plan will stop invaders

From: Jennifer Hanson, staff

Joe Trenton is ready for anything.

NORTH BAY — A lifelong North Bayite, Trenton has completed his “21 Step Anti-Intruder Action Plan.”

“It’s a program I made to stop home intruders,” explains Trenton. “If anyone breaks into my house then they’re not getting out.”

Trenton says that he’s taken “hundreds” of steps to protect his belongings.

“I’ve got baseball bats, golf clubs, nunchucks, polearms, and medieval-style lances hidden all over my house just in case someone breaks in.”

Trenton claims the impetus for his thorough anti-invader plan was protecting his belongings.

“Though I have a lot less of them now because catapults are really expensive.”

Professional Feedback

Trenton took his Action Plan to the local police to get feedback, but was unhappy with the result.

“They dismissed it as being the dark ‘Home Alone’ daydream of a man with anger issues,” spits Trenton. “What do they know? I’d like to smash that place with a warhammer while riding a war elephant.”

Police Sergeant Jeanette Lawrence says Trenton’s plan is “overly complicated and disturbingly malicious.”

“I’m going to be honest, anything beyond 3 steps is a bit much,” says Lawrence. “If your home is invaded, do the following: identify the threat, call the police, and if absolutely necessary, deter or restrain the invader.”

“Where Trenton lost me was at Step 6: Ignite The Flamethrower. I began to get pretty worried by Step 13: Curbstomp The F#$ker.”

“By Step 16: Open The Boiling Acid Pit, I had to put it down.”

Plan For Sale

Undeterred, Joe Trenton says he is willing to sell his plan to other worried homeowners.

“If you live in North Bay and want to know the best way to ‘deter’ home invaders, contact me,” says Trenton.

“I’ve got great ideas for traps, hand-drawn diagrams on how to properly handle a Mongolian battle axe, and even a section on the best foods to feed your home defense sharks to make them as angry as possible.”

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