“Non-Wipers” Freedom Group Rising in North Bay

From: XIII, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTH BAY — A new fringe slice of society is demanding recognition and a voice, and it started right here in North Bay.

They are “The Skid Woes.”

This adamant and vocal minority firmly believes that wiping your bottom has nothing to do with hygiene and everything to do with control.

“That’s right,” says Chap Nicely, a Skid Woes spokesperson. “Y’all have been fooled. Wasting your money, killing trees, and for what? Toilet paper? The whitest of tighty whities?”

“My friend, I say use your God given liberty and buy brown shorts.”

The Skid Woes vehemently oppose the purchase or production of toilet paper and reject the idea that anyone should need to wash or wipe after answering nature’s call.

“It’s very liberating, letting the itch of freedom tickle your nethers.”

Brown Death

But health experts in the area disagree with Nicely.

“We all know that feces spreads diseas-sees,” explains Dr. Tina Loofa. “Typhoid, salmonella, pink eye and various other ailments can afflict you and the people you care about.”

“Yes, that brown eye could make someone brown-die. It is absolutely baffling that I have to say this.”

“That scientist lady is clearly the pawn of Big Toilet Paper” Nicely scoffs. “This is the kind of discriminat-ness I have to deal with every day.”

“You think I don’t see the people pointing or holding their noses? We won’t be kept silent any longer. We want to be seen, we want to be heard, we want to be smelled.”

“And I can tell you – we smell like Freedom.”

Feel free to share!