Updates on the Nipissing/Canadore War

From: Jennifer Hanson, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTH BAY — Since formally declaring war on October 1st, Canadore College and Nipissing University have been locked in a deadly battle at the top of 100 College Drive in North Bay.

Though neither side is poised to win, Canadore President George Burton is confident that his side will come out the victor.

“There’s no doubt in my mind,” says Burton. “We have the tech, the know-how, and the hardier faculty. We’ve got a President that’s making a modest $237,000 a year, and I think that instills confidence in our legions of part-time contract staff. We’re on track to wrap this thing before Christmas.”

But initial Canadore losses have proved detrimental, as a “bold and daring” early attempt to take Nipissing University by brute force failed.

“I realize now that was a mistake,” says Canadore Lieutenant-Commander Becky Wolf. “I have to give the Nipissing side credit: they’ve been crafty.”

Wolf scoffs.

“I guess I should have expected as much from a bunch of Art Majors.”

Pond Control

Fellow Canadore employee Naval Cadet Stuart Grey reported that taking the shared pond has been troublesome.

“We just can’t seem to conquer the pond,” says Grey. “It’s right in the middle of the shared campus and is vital to our naval superiority. But every time we put a boat on it, it sinks overnight.”

“Can’t quite figure out why.”

Nipissing student Trudy Kaspar knows the reason.

“You want to know why?!” asks a maniacal Kaspar. “Because we found a way to WEAPONIZE THE GEESE!”

The 4th year Biology Major leans back in her chair and cackles.

“Yeah, that’s right! We found a way to track and command an entire legion of angry, hissing, biting birds, and every single one of them is covered under the Migratory Birds Convention Act.”

“Good luck fighting off 30 feathered stingers missiles protected by the federal government, Canadore. Operation ‘Honking Death’ forever!”

Second Canadore Push and Nipissing Reprisal

As the has war gone on, the weather has grown bitter. Sitting atop College Drive, the two facilities have seen early snowfall cover the battlefield.

“I don’t mind the snow, really,” says NUSU President Daniel Goulard. “Covers up a lot of the mess.”

Just before the first snowfall, Nipissing University took the initiative and began to dig trenches around the library, which had seen much of the fighting.

“A lot of the fighting has been taking place in the library,” says Nipissing President Mike DeGagné. “As you know, it’s a shared building, so a lot of the staff and faculty have been using it as a neutral meeting ground to settle grudges.”

“Listen, as long as they fight quietly in the silent study area, I don’t care,” says chief librarian Brenda White. “All the people coming in and out has been great for our stats, though I am getting tired of wiping blood off the children’s books.”

In response to Nipissing’s new trenches, Canadore sent in a fleet of excavators, but all save one were set aflame.

“I want to clarify that we didn’t actually set fire to the excavators,” says Nipissing First General Keeley Leach. “As far as we can tell, they went up when their drivers took too long on their breaks and the diesel engines ignited.”

“Nothing like an hour long Canadore smoke break, eh boys?”

The War Continues

Even with no definitive victories, both institutes are painting themselves as the inevitable victors.

“‘Great Things Happen Here?'” scoffs Nipissing President Mike DeGagné. “More like ‘Makes Things Disappear,’ am I right?”

“And by ‘disappear’ I mean faculty raises, staff confidence, and student morale.”

“They’re gonna crack,” sneers President Burton. “They’ve lost all their backup. With neither the Muskoka campus nor the Brantford campus open any longer, Nipissing University has no one to call on for reinforcements.”

“They’re all alone, like a 1st year student in September. And like a 3rd year, we’re going to swoop in, buy them a nice dinner, and then absolutely wreck them.”

“Er, not that I’d know anything about that, of course.”

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