North Bay Neighbourhood Watch launches free self-defence classes

From: Jennifer Hanson, staff

NORTH BAY – With a mighty “HWRAH!,” the 18 participants of The North Bay Neighbourhood Watch Self Defence League aim a steady kick at the imaginary groins of their enemies.

Headed by ‘Master Sensei’ Mary Lynn, the NBNWSDL has been meeting for three weeks to learn the martial arts.

“I’m an admin of The North Bay Neighbourhood Watch Group,” explains Lynn. “So I see everything that is wrong with the city.”

“I see the bike thefts, the homeless, the dog poop, the homeless on bikes with dogs which I assume is the cause and result of all of these problems.”

“So anyways, now I’m teaching Ma Lynn Karate.”

Three Steps

Lynn’s class has been learning basic strikes and holds, but at its core, Mary says the NBNWSDL is built around a “singular approach to crime.”

“People were always asking what they could do when they saw a suspected crime,” says Lynn. “Aside from taking blurry, zoomed in photos of course.”

“So I developed a process to stop suspected criminals in their tracks once and for all.”

“It’s a three step system,” explains Lynn. “First, you approach the suspect. Then you yell ‘NOT A CRIME?’”

“Then you hit them with a rock.”

Lynn folds her arms and nods.

“And then you hope that no one else from the North Bay Neighbourhood Watch saw you, otherwise you might get a rocking yourself.”

The Final Defence

But what if the suspect or another NBNWSDL gets to you first?

“I tell all my students that if you’re knocked down, the best thing to do is complain about the local police/federal government/society as a whole/Millennials until your attacker leaves you alone.”

“It’s worked for me dozens of times.”

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