Neighbourhood Watch doesn’t find any needles for 24 hours: implodes

From: Jennifer Hanson, staff

NORTH BAY — The North Bay Neighbourhood Watch, which has spent the last few weeks walking patrols, doing some genuine good, doing some genuine harm, profiling everyone that has walked anywhere in the city after 10 pm, and purchasing every available Batman costume in a 50 km radius, has imploded.

On Monday, the group failed to find even a single discarded syringe in the city, at which point, the group slowly devolved into Lovecraftian madness.

“THERE MUST BE SOMETHING!!!” was the top post of the day, followed by one hundred and eight comments from other group members hypothesizing where the nearest used syringe could be.

Other top posts included “The Health Unit gives out free needles!!!!” which had sixty seven responses and a photo of two “sketchy looking cars” which ended up being the original poster’s new neighbours.

At the Hills of Madness

By 4pm, the Neighbourhood Watch had grown frantic, as posters ranted about North Bay, drug use, Cranberry Trail, bicycle chop shops, the local police, tent cities, and finally, a conspiracy to hold a ritual blood sacrifice to summon Yog-Sothoth on Thibeault Hill.

The last post was criticized heavily for “fear mongering” before comments were disabled.

In an ironic twist, a Neighbourhood Watch member by the name of Melinda Dalavine was later caught by another member of the Neighbourhood Watch spreading clean needles around just so that the Neighbourhood Watch had something to talk about in the Neighbourhood Watch group.

Once caught, Melinda disappeared.

No Cause for Concern

Her disappearance is no cause for alarm, says poster and “dear friend” Will Whateley.

“Melinda is safe and fine and there’s nothing to worry about,” writes Whateley. “Please stop posting about her. She is safe and fine and there’s nothing to worry about and no one should look for her.”

Several other posters agreed later that evening, with the top post reading “Melinda is ok now. Thank you for all your help tonight. All hail the One Beyond. Melinda is ok now. ļý-ƺƠƔƫȝɚ ʂʓɸˆůįį.”

The North Bay Neighbourhood Watch is currently closed and is looking into re-branding. Users are currently split between renaming the group “The Gateway City Homeless Shellers” and “I Bought a Nikon With My Social Assistance and Here’s What I Shot.”

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