From: Jennifer Hanson, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTHERN ONTARIO — Following the defeat of Bill 125, the “Making Northern Ontario Highways Safer” act, Northern Ontario collectively said “fuck it, we’ll just do whatever this winter.”
Bill 125, which was defeated yesterday, would have seen Northern Ontario highways treated the same as those in Southern Ontario, with snow being removed faster and maintenance becoming stricter.
Notably absent from voting was local MPP Vic Fedeli, who in 2014 called out Kathleen Wynne’s government and declared that the status of Northern Ontario highways in the winter was “disgraceful.” In a shocking twist, despite absolutely no changes to winter maintenance, Fedeli is now totally ok with keeping the 2014 status quo.
As a result, thousands of Northern Ontario residents have decided to invest in studs, spikes, chains, nails, spears, and “super gnarly chrome-covered skulls” for their vehicles.
“It’s clear to me that the government doesn’t care about us or our highways,” says chrome-covered skull lover Aden Horn of Thunder Bay. “So I figure why should I care?”
“That’s why I invested in two dozen medieval halberds to bolt to my Rav 4 and a flamethrower to mount on the front. Can’t slip on the ice if I’m melting it with white hot fire on my way into town.”
Scrap Metal Requests Jump
Dalton Ayers feels the same way.
“I’m putting tank tracks on my Passat,” says Ayers. “They’re gonna tear up so much asphalt. And on the back I’m gonna weld a harpoon gun.”
“Not sure what I’m gonna do with the harpoon gun, but it’ll be hella cool.”
Junk yards across Northern Ontario have been inundated with phone calls for “increasingly strange” requests for car parts and scrap metal.
“Some guy from Powassan just called me for a 1973 Ford Falcon XB Hardtop and three dozen toasters,” says yard operator Roxanne Carman. “I’m very concerned, but also, very, very curious.”
“The Fedelizer”
“All I’m saying is there are sometimes faster ways to get from one place to another,” says Chisholm resident Jim Pettigrew. “Especially in Northern Ontario. Lots of fields, lots of lawns, lots of ski hills, schoolyards, parking lots, private lots and soccer fields. There’s absolutely no reason to drive on a poorly maintained northern highway.”
“I’m working on a lifted Coupe DeVille with a Chevy 502 HO crate engine and four 70″ tractor tires that I’m calling ‘The Fedelizer,'” grins Pettigrew. “I know there’s no way that she can do as much damage to Northern Ontario as the real Fedeli, but she’s damn sure gonna try.”
“And then, once I’m done with Northern Ontario, I think I’ll take ‘The Fedelizer’ down to the 401 and see how the south likes her 12 foot snow plow, dual trebuchets and 8 weaponized blenders.”
this. is. gold.
Vic has his mural so he doesn’t care anymore. Sad.
Very unfortunate that the liberals left Ontario in such a mess. The extravagant amount of money wasted by this government is unreal and now we blame the Ford government for not doing anything. If there is no money left in the coffers to pay the extra expenses what is he supposed to do.
Where the heck was Vic Fedeli does he not care about his constituents. Way to go & just keep going…this is the beginning of your political suicide.
Maybe they should have showed up at work that day
They were probably get ready for remembering the veterans they don’t care about
Huh no reply guess I’m to far north
When 3 northern mpp’s don’t show up to vote you can’t blame this outcome on the liberals.
Northern MPPs didn’t vote because the roads were probably too bad to travel into work.
It’s not that they don’t only care about the highways but don’t care about the people that have to travel those crappy highways for work ,medical appointments, and every day necessities .
We need a passenger train
Please make public the names of all the MPP’s who didn’t show up for this vote .
All these wrong replies, madmax world= better than living a lie in this current goverment and ruling classes rule, that is where the real faults lay
Ski-doo’s attempt to bring sales back up…. time to buy a plow and put the snow back on the 401 for a day or so…
then watch them all shut down in fear!!
Cmon northerners don’t we all love the white knuckle drive on hwy 11 trying to avoid the sickening amount of transports. … in closing we will need to start dying in larger numbers for something to happen cost vs life and we the north just aren’t worth it!!
on a trip to North Bay from Kirkland Lake last winter I counted 217 transports on the highway during my trip..this is sickening and quite a few of them did not know how to drive their rigs properly..