N. Ontario gives up on highways, declares “Mad Max” anarchy

From: Jennifer Hanson, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTHERN ONTARIO —  Following the defeat of Bill 125, the “Making Northern Ontario Highways Safer” act, Northern Ontario collectively said “fuck it, we’ll just do whatever this winter.”

Bill 125, which was defeated yesterday, would have seen Northern Ontario highways treated the same as those in Southern Ontario, with snow being removed faster and maintenance becoming stricter.

Notably absent from voting was local MPP Vic Fedeli, who in 2014 called out Kathleen Wynne’s government and declared that the status of Northern Ontario highways in the winter was “disgraceful.” In a shocking twist, despite absolutely no changes to winter maintenance, Fedeli is now totally ok with keeping the 2014 status quo.

As a result, thousands of Northern Ontario residents have decided to invest in studs, spikes, chains, nails, spears, and “super gnarly chrome-covered skulls” for their vehicles.

“It’s clear to me that the government doesn’t care about us or our highways,” says chrome-covered skull lover Aden Horn of Thunder Bay. “So I figure why should I care?”

“That’s why I invested in two dozen medieval halberds to bolt to my Rav 4 and a flamethrower to mount on the front. Can’t slip on the ice if I’m melting it with white hot fire on my way into town.”

Scrap Metal Requests Jump

Dalton Ayers feels the same way.

“I’m putting tank tracks on my Passat,” says Ayers. “They’re gonna tear up so much asphalt. And on the back I’m gonna weld a harpoon gun.”

“Not sure what I’m gonna do with the harpoon gun, but it’ll be hella cool.”

Junk yards across Northern Ontario have been inundated with phone calls for “increasingly strange” requests for car parts and scrap metal.

“Some guy from Powassan just called me for a 1973 Ford Falcon XB Hardtop and three dozen toasters,” says yard operator Roxanne Carman. “I’m very concerned, but also, very, very curious.”

“The Fedelizer”

“All I’m saying is there are sometimes faster ways to get from one place to another,” says Chisholm resident Jim Pettigrew. “Especially in Northern Ontario. Lots of fields, lots of lawns, lots of ski hills, schoolyards, parking lots, private lots and soccer fields. There’s absolutely no reason to drive on a poorly maintained northern highway.”

“I’m working on a lifted Coupe DeVille with a Chevy 502 HO crate engine and four 70″ tractor tires that I’m calling ‘The Fedelizer,'” grins Pettigrew. “I know there’s no way that she can do as much damage to Northern Ontario as the real Fedeli, but she’s damn sure gonna try.”

“And then, once I’m done with Northern Ontario, I think I’ll take ‘The Fedelizer’ down to the 401 and see how the south likes her 12 foot snow plow, dual trebuchets and 8 weaponized blenders.”

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