Fedeli named new “Minister of Fearmongering”

From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTH BAY — Ontario Premier Doug Ford has confirmed rumours that Vic Fedeli will no longer be the party’s Minister of Finance. Instead, Ford has dubbed Fedeli the new “Minister of Fearmongering.”

“Some might see this as punishment for embarrassing me with the most recent provincial budget,” smiles Ford. “But that couldn’t be farther from the truth.”

“Folks, my friends – Vic has done a great job. I approve of him just as much as the good, hard-working people of Ontario approve of me.”

Fedeli has taken the new position in stride, despite some early misgivings.

“Of course, threatening to remove me as Finance Minister is itself fearmo–” began Fedeli, before being shushed by the delicately placed finger of Ford.

Position Details

The new “Minister of Fearmongering” position will be tasked with “calling out fearmongering and misinformation wherever it might be.”

“Especially from those highly-educated teachers and the politically aware, socially active youth,” confirms Fedeli.

“I think it’s best to call them liars when they’re young,” explains Fedeli. “It’s important to make sure we are dehumanizing and demoralizing our province’s youth before they rise to positions of power so that when they do, they too will discredit and denigrate their opponents to continue a cyclical pattern that puts the well-being of the province and its people below the drive to obtain and keep political power at all costs.”

“Uh, yeah – what he said,” frowns Ford. “And if it doesn’t work out, I can always ask Vic to head home to North Bay. I’m sure they’ll welcome him back. Seems like there’s always a crowd outside his office just waiting for him to show up, and some of them even have signs!”

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