Self-Isolating Man No Longer Sure if the Rest of North Bay Really Exists

From: Darren D. MacDonald, staff

NORTH BAY — If there is one thing that most people who live in North Bay can agree on, it is that North Bay exists. After many weeks in self-isolation, this North Bay native is starting to doubt whether or not the city actually exists.

Andre Fletcher is a North Bay entrepreneur who owns the online store ‘Buy a Bit of the Bay’ (legal action currently pending). The site sells “anything and everything” North Bay – from souvenirs to bagged shadflies, Fletcher keeps many of the items in his freezer to maintain a year round freshness.

“When the lockdown started I had to shut down my store, which is really just my garage,” says Fletcher. “Originally, I was more than happy to self-isolate.”

But after nearly 2 months of isolation, staying home, and only going to the closest grocery store for food, Fletcher is convinced that North Bay no longer exists.

“I remember this ‘North Bay’ like I remember a dream. There’s a beach, there’s a park with a jet in it, there’s a toilet bowl… it’s all really fuzzy.”

“I am convinced that North Bay is just a dream, and I’m living in some weird Truman Show style experiment.”

Thinking on Dreaming

“I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about this whole dream idea, actually” Fletcher continues, smoking a scene-setting pipe as if he were in a film noir. “You see, isolation can cause a solipsistic state of mind.  And though I merely entertain this ideology, one could definitively argue that existence is mere perception. Anything beyond that is pure speculation. Therefore, whether North Bay exists – or is indeed a dream – ultimately merits the same answer.”

While self-isolation is taking its toll on people, North Bay Mayor Al McDonald delivered some reassuring words Monday.

“It is important for us to take this seriously,” assured McDonald. “If you can, self-isolate. If you have to work, know that the community thanks you for what you are doing. And remember – North Bay DOES exist, so we’re going to need all of you to continue to pay your taxes. Which we are increasing.”

You heard it here – North Bay exists and you need to pay up. So stay healthy, drink lots of taxable water, and call a loved one every now and again to discuss the finer points of solipsistic philosophy.

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