Study Suggests Ten “Magic 8 Balls” Should Replace City Council

From: Darren D. MacDonald, staff

NORTH BAY – There is nothing more ‘North Bay’ than studies that will go ignored. 

Requesting “state-of-the-art math,” complete with complex algorithms and “lots of random letters where there should be numbers,” City Council commissioned a study to find new efficiencies within City Hall.  

“1s and 0s don’t lie or manipulate facts,” explains Katy Page, founder of Hardcore Analytics. ”We fed in the cold hard data and the results were clear – the least efficient part of City Hall is City Council.”

City Council was not impressed with the result.

A suitable, spherical solution

Katy Page says that with the data taken into account, City Council “does not equal the resources spent or its potential community impact.”

“Based on the information and the projected available budget for the city, the best course of action would be to replace City Council with ten Magic 8 Balls that will be shaken to determine votes,” surmises Page.

But much like the Baylor Report, Council is set to ignore the results and go about business (or lack-there-of) like normal.  

“If not the Magic 8-Balls, then at least a giant Wheel-of-Fortune wheel to make decisions,” pleads Page. “Just something so decisions actually get made.”

“Hell, I’d even settle for that yodeller mountain thing from The Price Is Right at this point.”

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