Lou Dawg’s North Bay: A Mathematical Review

From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTH BAY — At exactly 6:57pm on the evening of Sunday, December 15th, myself and a team of 6 from The North Bay Bay entered the Lou Dawg’s in North Bay with the goal of reviewing it as objectively as possible. We utilized scientific instruments and precise mathematical calculations to determine the restaurant’s rating.

These are our findings.

The Basics

Drinks Ordered: 7:12:36 pm

Drinks Arrived: 7:15:58 pm

Total Time: 3 minutes, 22 seconds
Food Ordered: 7:20:49

Food Arrived: 7:39:04

Total Time: 18 minutes, 15 seconds


The Food

Drink: House Lager

Rating: 10/10

Food: Slow Smoke Cauliflower, Coleslaw

Overall Rating: 9.2/10
Drink: Caesar

Overall Rating: 7/10

Food: Fish Tacos

Overall Rating: 8/10

Fun Fact: There were 3 fish tacos and the cilantro was “there, but not overpowering.”
Nancy and LukePenelope
Drink: House Lager X2

Overall Rating: 10/10

Food: Lou’s Loaded Nachos

Overall Rating: 8.2/10

Fun Facts: There were 55 nachos total.
Drink: House Lager

Overall Rating: 10/10

Food: Smoked Brisket Sandwich

Overall Rating: 7/10

Fun Fact: The Smoked Brisket Sandwich was served at a “balmy” 88°C.
Drink: House Lager

Overall Rating: 10/10

Food: Smoked Chicken BLT Wrap

Overall Rating: 9.8/10

Fun fact: Included precisely
76 sweet potato fries.
Drink: House Lager, House Black Lager

Overall Rating: 9.6/10

Food: Lou’s Smoked Meat Tacos

Overall Rating: 7/10

The Restaurant

Ambient Temperature: 20.2°C 

The temperature around our table was recorded at 20.2°C (68.36°F) which is scientifically within the range of “ideal” temperatures range of 68°F to 74°F for an indoor environment during winter.

Average Noise Level: 97.9 dBA

The average noise level was 97.9 dBA.

Since most of our table refused to sit in silence and wordlessly eat their meals, the noise level may be skewed higher.

Speed Limit: 20mph

In Canadian: 32.19 km/h.

Median Light: 179 lx

Several tests resulted in a median lux level of 179 – which is the equivalent to 0.01790000000001 lumen/centimeter², or 16.62964416002 foot-candle, or that nice warm feeling a person gets when the lights are dim and the BBQ chicken wrap they ordered is extra tasty.

Number of TVs: 7

7 is a historically significant number. The Pythagoreans called the number 7 “the Septad,” and Western religion espoused the use of a seven day week to track time.

The Bills and Steelers were playing on all seven TVs.

Maximum Number of Potatoes Permitted at the Table: No Limit

We asked.

Table Angle: 0.35°

The table we were sitting at was sitting at a 0.35° angle, tilting ever so slightly to the Northeast.

Ghosts: 0

After an exhaustive search for otherworldly apparitions using an EMF meter, we concluded that there were no ghosts in the 3 meter radius around our table.

There were also no spirits anywhere inside the men’s washroom.

Relative Humidity: 49%

Our capacitive hygrometer measured Lou Dawg’s relative humidity at 49%. The hygrometer has an accuracy of ±2% RH in the range 5–95% RH, and is very good at telling us when things are “damp,” “dank,” “muggy,” and “moist.”

Additional Charges for Condiments: 0

Lou Dawg’s does not charge its patrons for ketchup.

Final Grades

Overall Food Rating: 82/100

Overall Drink Rating: 95.14/100

Overall Service Rating: 98/100

Closing Notes

Subjectively speaking, the atmosphere is “great.” Acoustically pleasant and aesthetically pleasing, Lou Dawg’s North Bay is warm, comfortable, and relaxing. The servers are polite, speedy, and attentive, and the house lager was a hit with everyone, getting a 10/10 across the board.

Scientifically speaking, the lack of ghosts is disappointing.

Final Rating: 91.5 out of 100

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