From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTH BAY — A recently announced new Burger King location in North Bay has the local seagull population cawing with joy.
Somewhere between 200 and 4000 seagulls are “incredibly excited” to hear that the franchise is returning to the city, says a spokesman for the birds.
The Seagull King, a horrific man-bird hybrid that regularly stalks the North Bay waterfront, says he represents the local seagull union.
“The Seagull Union of Northern Ontario is very pleased to hear of the new Burger King,” squawks The Seagull King. “Not only will it provide me and my feathered brethren with plentiful food, but it will also bring some much needed jobs to North Bay.”
“Minimum-wage service industry positions are a good first job for high school students, and can prove beneficial to those attending College and University.”
Contract Workers Meet the King
Workers on the Pinewood Park Drive site say that they have noticed an “increasingly large” amount of seagulls circling the site, and one worker, Rooster Cogburn, says that The Seagull King himself now stalks the area.
“Oh, yeah, I’ve met The Seagull King a few times now,” says Cogburn. “At first I was repulsed, seeing as how he’s a gigantic bird-man abomination, but we’re actually getting along pretty well now.”
“I gave him some of my leftover fries a few days ago and he’s been bringing me shiny things ever since.”
“Is that something seagulls are supposed to do?,” asks a puzzled Cogburn. “I feel like that’s a crow thing. Oh well – it’s still nice of him.”
“If he keeps it up I might even forgive him for taking a giant poop on my windshield.”