From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTH BAY — Jerry Morton is not your typical mad scientist.
Morton, 56, styles himself as a “conscientious, professional businessman” who just so happens to want to launch an ingeniously crafted thermonuclear warhead at the moon.
But Morton’s plan to launch and detonate a high yield atomic bomb capable of delivering over 200 megatons of destructive energy has been met with “some push back” from neighbours and world governments.
“Yes, I’ve heard a lot about how using a full-scale atomic bomb to shatter the moon into thousands of irradiated rock chunks is ‘bad for the world,'” frowns Morton. “But to be honest, I’ve found the complaints are mostly just vague and generalized rumours.”
Morton’s “Moon Killer” missile will be propelled by a “nearly inexhaustible, top-secret” fuel, and will deliver an explosive power equivalent to that of the bomb dropped on Hiroshima, multiplied 15 000 times over.
“I’m committed to keeping transparency throughout the ongoing operation,” says Morton. “But I’m also very committed to blowing up the moon. Rumour and innuendo are not a sufficient basis for me to stop my attempts at trying really, really hard to destroy the moon.”
“I am aware that there are some members of the community who have expressed concern and apprehension about coming forward with their fears about my operation. Which is only natural, as I cut the last person who did in half with an experimental laser.”
Recent Protest
Last Friday, a “Leave Our Moon Alone!” protest outside Morton’s lair saw nearly 100 attendees, many of which argued that a lack of a moon would destroy entire ecosystems, disrupt the world’s oceans, spur radical climate change, and would send huge, hurtling debris chunks that would spell out total extinction of all life on Earth.
“In relation to the allegations made concerning myself and my tireless attempts at destroying the moon, I want to make this clear: due process must be respected in order to ensure fairness for all involved,” says Morton. “However, 50 or more complaints and concerns, many of which I’m told are very specific, will in no way hinder me from absolutely obliterating the moon, nor will protesters, media attention, or facts.”
“So, until I succeed in turning our closest celestial satellite into a 4 kilometer wide belt of radioactive rubble, please stop complaining. It’s making me look bad.”
Fake