From: Philip St. George and Rooster Cogburn, thenorthbaybay.ca
North Bay City Hall has suspended public meetings following the leak of a document detailing a plan involving uranium and time travel.
The 19-page document, entitled “Operation Manitou,” is a complicated strategy penned by at least 3 City Councillors.
In it, the writers detail how they plan to begin mining uranium off the nearby Manitou Islands, using the Chief Commanda II’s passengers as assistants in its transport.
“Offer each rider a free single patty hamburger and can of soda for their efforts” advises the document. “Every second cruise, have the Chief stop at the islands so that passengers may volunteer to move the bags of uranium rocks.”
“The can of soda may be substituted for water, but not for beer.”
Local conspiracy experts Matt and Kayla have broken down the document.
“Basically, a few members of City Council not only believed they could mine raw uranium from the Manitou Islands,” explains Matt, “but they also believed in time travel.”
“Their hope was that by equipping the Heritage Railway with a uranium reactor and accelerating the miniature train at an advanced rate of speed that they might travel back through time.”
“Once there,” says Kayla, “their primary purpose would be to construct the West Ferris arena with stronger materials so that it would last longer and people would stop yelling at them about the new $32 million arena.”
While it’s not clear how much uranium would be required to go back in time, the writers were planning to “just kinda double the amount of plutonium they thought it would ‘normally’ take.”
“I’m going to be honest,” shrugs Matt. “I actually don’t know what I find more amazing – that members of City Council thought that they could time travel using the Heritage Railway, or that once they succeeded they would sooner reinforce a hockey rink rather than do something like avoid the Memorial Gardens debacle or stop the shutdown of the psychiatric hospital.”
“They could’ve invested in Bitcoin,” suggests Kayla. “But then what would they do with all the extra money?”
“Well there’s an answer to that on Page 13,” explains Matt. “It says that ‘in the event of surplus funds being granted to City Council due to unexpected time travel undulations, any additional financial gain is to be spent on creating a Chief Commanda III (but this time on Trout Lake).’”