Large corporation solves housing crisis with serfdom

From: Josie Beamish, intern

NORTH BAY — As the housing market continues to boom, some priced out millennials are rejecting both the modern idea of homeownership and gig economy in one fell swoop. 

Blutsauger Inc, a self-proclaimed “forward thinking venture capital firm with a synergetic outlook towards the future of work and home life”, has invested millions into single family homes around the area with hopes that the so-called “lost generation” will resonate with its vision and price tag. 

A corporate spokesperson had this to say about the initiative:

“Why work for low wages and high rent when you can just work for your living space? Blutsauger Inc Single Family Homes™ all come packaged with a one of a kind Blutsauger App™ that lets you work at your leisure* to pay for your living space. No more commuting back and forth to work, now you can just wake up whenever you have a task, complete it, and go back to living a life worth living!**”

A Great Opportunity!

For young professionals living in the city, it could be the leg up they’ve been waiting for.

“Finally, after all the student debt, economic downturns, and fraught employment prospects, I can live in a house split into 4 apartments just for doing some simple tasks like maintaining crops, churning butter, and slaughtering livestock,” read one testimony in the provided pamphlet.

“Thanks to Blutsauger Inc, I can afford dental and eyecare!***”

Critics Be Damned

Some critics say the whole endeavor is a thinly veiled return to serfdom but Blutsauger Inc thinks otherwise:

“Blutsauger Inc prides itself on being absolutely transparent. So, serfs up dudes!”

*Blutsauger Inc. requires all home employees to be on call 24/7. Failure to complete a task will result in raised home temperatures and internet throttling until the task has been completed. Once installed, you can scan your Blutsauger NFC chip embedded in your forearm for complete details.

**Value of life is subject to change based on performance and metrics.

*** Blutsauger Inc does not offer dental or eye care coverage, employees are expected to pay out of pocket and only attend appointments after being approved for time off submitted 5 months in advance. Failure to follow Blutsauger Inc protocol will result in stiffening of mattress and lowering of ceiling in 1 inch increments per violation.

Feel free to share!