Lack of medieval combat at Knights Inn disappoints patrons

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY — The Knights Inn has some explaining to do.

Long-time occupant and frequent flyer Wade Scrivens wants to know where all the medieval combat is.

“When I check into a hotel with a name like ‘Knights Inn’ I expect to be greeted by a brigade of fully armoured knights hacking at each other with broad swords,” frowns Scrivens. “But so far no one has duelled, jousted with, or even tried to decapitate me!”

“Well, except that one guy on Tuesday but I think that was more about drugs.”

Scrivens says he’s “outraged” by the Inn’s lack of Dark Ages warfare.

“I packed 180 lbs. of plate mail, 2 punch daggers, 3 slings and a falchion, and for what? A free continental breakfast?”

“Someone come try and cut off my arms, already!”

Knights Inn Responds

Gregory Hopkins, acting manager of The Knights Inn, says Scrivens isn’t the exception.

“I don’t know why, but it seems like every third person that checks into this hotel comes walking in with a helmet, lance, and a train of filthy peasant squires.”

Hopkins sighs.

“I honestly don’t know what to do. We just thought the name was a nice little pun, but I swear, the next time someone slaps me across the face with a leather glove and challenges me to a duel, I’m going to load them into the company trebuchet and launch them towards to the Days Inn.”

Lakeshore Motel Interested

On the other side of town, The Glen Garry Motel, which features a suspiciously Excalibur-like sword in its sign, said that while jousting “was sadly out of the question,” they would “be open to trying hand-to-hand combat” featuring “medieval flails, maces, morning stars, swords, and halberds.”

Owner Jörgen Hildenbreg says he’s up for the challenge.

“If that brings some business in, then yeah, I’ll cudgel a man.”

Jörgen studies the horizon for a moment.

“We may be all the way down Lakeshore, but I’m certain I could hit the Knights Inn from here using the company catapult. A little competition might be just what they need.”

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