From: Jennifer Hanson, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
Local media sweetheart Jerry O’Connell has been sent a message.
Kevin Sorbo, the American actor best known as Hercules, Captain Dylan Hunt, and the guy who once yelled “DISAPPOINTED!” really loud, has challenged O’Connell to a fight for the right to be North Bay’s heartthrob.
“I literally have no idea what to make of this,” said O’Connell Friday. “I’m just here to shoot Carter. I don’t want to fight anyone.”
But fight he must.
O’Connell related how Sorbo, or someone representing Sorbo, fired a meter long razor-tipped arrow into O’Connell’s trailer Thursday. Attached to the arrow was a canister, and inside the canister a letter challenging O’Connell to a “deadly duel to be the definitive darling” of North Bay.
“I mean I like this town, but this is too much,” Jerry said, voice wavering. “Kevin Sorbo is a pretty big guy. I think I might just go home.”
Many will remember Kevin Sorbo as Joseph from Joseph and Mary – a movie set in the Middle East that filmed in North Bay during the downright balmy winter of 2015.
At that time, Sorbo was praised by many in North Bay as a “stand up guy,” “a handsome man,” and “tall.”
Five death rounds, one death winner
But it may be O’Connell’s turn to stand tall.
Among the long and rambling pages of the nearly 80 page letter tightly packed inside the canister are the details of the dangerous duel.
The North Bay Bay News reached out to Kevin Sorbo and were disquieted to learn he was already in North Bay (and had been all along).
“The first match-up will be seven rounds of 1890s bare-knuckle boxing, followed by five rounds of MMA fighting, and finally a light, comely game of chess,” Kevin Sorbo declared, biceps flexing.
“I’m going to beat Jerry O’Connell like Kasparov beat Karpov,” decreed Sorbo, probably referencing some super old chess game The North Bay Bay didn’t bother looking up. “I played an atheist professor back in 2014, so I’m set. Really, how hard can chess be?”
Sorbo explained the final two rounds of his death tournament.
“I don’t think O’Connell is going to make it that far, but if he does, the fourth round is killer,” Kevin Sorbo proclaimed, pecs rippling.
“The fourth round in a skateboard death race down McIntyre St. It’ll just be me, and O’Connell, and two rad decks weaving in and out of the gnarly traffic. Also, we’ll each be swinging chains and running chainsaws. You know, for effect.”
And if it’s a tie?
“I’ve saved the best for last,” Kevin Sorbo cackled, trap muscles heaving. “We both must drink one full litre of water.”
Sorbo paused.
“Straight from Lake Nipissing!”
Abs muscles glistening like blue-green algae, Sorbo then climbed up the side of City Hall, where he announced he would wait for O’Connell until they could begin their deadly struggle for North Bay’s affections.
O’Connell has yet to accept Sorbo’s death battle invitation. After some questioning, O’Connell asked The North Bay Bay News to leave, but not before taking two super cute selfies with us and then signing our faces.
——————