City hires homeless to tackle deviant bicyclists

From: Margaret Massey and Philip St. George,

NORTH BAY – City Councillor Vic Tikus believes that bicycle lanes are “a privilege.”

“When we added bike lanes to the city it was with the understanding that cyclists would use them and be respectful,” says Tikus. “But I still saw bicyclists everywhere – on the roads, on the sidewalks, weaving through parking lots.”

“So I said enough is enough. It’s time to militarize the homeless.”

Cycle-Centric police Force

In a motion only opposed by Scott Robertson, City Council approved the use of North Bay’s homeless as a “voluntary cycle-centric police force.”

“Basically, we’re offering rewards to homeless individuals who watch for bicyclists that aren’t in bicycle lanes and tackle them.”

Tikus says the program begins August 22nd.

“We’ve also partnered with two local thrift stores to supply the most promising homeless tacklers with hockey pads and sports equipment to help take those naughty bicyclists down a spoke.”

Problems Solved

Bike riders worried about being tackled off their bike should be, says Tikus.

“Stay on the bike lanes and you’ll be fine. Deviate, and prepare to be crushed.”

Tikus says the program “deals with two problems at once.”

“It solves everything. Dangerous cyclists threaten everyone, and the homeless become a natural resource rather than a city-wide issue.”

“Everyone wins!”

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