Aging Hipster Bar Charges $1.00 for Ketchup

From: Jennifer Hanson, staff

NORTH BAY — Eddy Carver has been shaken to his core.

“In my 48 years upon this Earth I have seen great tragedies. I have seen ships sink, I have seen planes crash, I have seen people die and men go mad. But never in my life have I seen anything so abhorrent, so baselessly revolting, as a pub charging $1.00 for ketchup.”

Carver’s hands jerk as he looks at his receipt.

“And I got three ketchups.”

Carver is just one of dozens of people who have discovered that local gastro pub “The Plato and Platypus” is charging $1.00 for ketchup.

“This is some sort of human rights violation,” says customer Peggy Neil. “It’s got to be. $19.00 for a hamburger and $2.00 for the ketchup to put on it? What next? 50 cents for the privilege of using a fucking fork?!”

Neil’s friend and fellow Plato patron Kayla Penner feels the same.

“Hold up – let me get this straight,” sputters Penner. “This place has the gall to charge $25.00 for a piece of salmon the size of a hockey puck and the audacity to have one server per forty customers, but on top of that, they’ve stopped serving French fries, they’ve GOTTEN RID OF THE CHICKEN FINGERS, and now – now! – they’ve got the balls to charge us for two squirts of ketchup?!”

Penner rubs her temples.

“They do know there’s a new Lou Dawgs opening, right?”

The Red Knight

An anonymous Plato and Platypus patron dubbed “The Red Knight” has begun sneaking ketchup packets into the pub.

“I don’t know who The Red Knight is, but bless them,” says regular Platypus goer Stacey Miles. “Bless their saucy little shoes.”

The Red Knight has been hiding ketchup packets throughout the gastro pub, so that diners aren’t forced to pay a $1.00 micro transaction for the most basic condiment on Earth.

“I found two in the men’s washroom yesterday,” says diner Vince Heath. “And one sorta squashed in with the Splenda.”

“It feels a little strange blindly searching under my chair for the McDonald’s ketchup packet taped to the underside so that I can put some sugary tomato paste on my $8.00 tater tots, but if that’s what it takes then that’s what it takes.”

Heath hopes that The Red Knight’s daring actions will “wake up” Plato’s management.

“I really want to believe that they’ll fix this, but let’s be honest, I think most of us gave up WHEN THEY GOT RID OF THE CHICKEN FINGERS.”

“I mean, Jesus Christ – is Plato’s afraid of making too much money or something?”

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