Health Unit opens public poll to pick the next thing to shutdown

From: Philip St. George and Rooster Cogburn,

NORTH BAY — Having now ordered the closure of all publicly accessible snowmobile trails in the region at the recommendation of somebody, somewhere, the Health Unit is now entertaining new ban and shutdown ideas.

“You gotta keep it fresh, you know?” says Assistant to the Regional Health Manager Dwayne Bull. “Keep the people guessing.”

“Being lockdown is a total bore, so banning things based on inferential evidence and hearsay is our way of keeping people entertained.”

“It’s a public service, really.”

The Ban Hammer

To further the cause, the Health Unit has opened a poll where residents can vote on the next thing to be banned.

“We’ve got a great selection. Once voting closes, we’ll bring down the ban hammer and people will have something new to rant about – which ought to eat up a couple of days of lockdown for them.”

“It’s a public service, really,” smiles Bull. “Wait, did I already say that?”

“Damn. I should add it to the list.”

The List

Here is the complete list of things competing to be banned:

– fishing

– snowshoeing

– intercourse

– drinking

– gas

– walking with your head up

– repeating yourself

– microwaveable popcorn

– dog petting

– repeating yourself

– field trips

– satirical news websites

– lake access

– whistling

– pineapple on pizza

– loud noises

– Mentos®: The Freshmaker

– bird watching

– Honda civics

– facing South

Where to Vote

Voting closes at 7pm on Friday. Those interested in casting a ballot are invited to go here.

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