From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff and Mark Rose, helpful news hound
OTTAWA — Citing the high costs of trying to douse, control, or extinguish forest fires like the one currently burning in Temagami, the new Progressive Conservative government announced Monday morning that it would no longer be combating major forest fires.
Rod Phillips, the Conservative Minister of the Environment, Conservation and Parks spoke to a small assembly Monday morning.
“We spend between 500 million to 1 billion annually on wildland fire management,” began Phillips. “That number rises by almost 120 million a year, and is projected to double by 2040. 1 billion dollars is a lot of money, and myself and Doug (Ford) now think it’s simply too much money.”
“Therefore, I am announcing today that we are cutting the wildland fire management budget down to $40 000 a year, with the money saved to go directly to reducing the price of beer in Ontario. We were voted in to find efficiencies, and we’ve found one here.”
There are currently forest fires measuring over 25 hectacres in size burning near Trapline Lake, Red Lake, Kirkland Lake, Sioux Lookout, Nipigon, and Cochrane, as well as the 2500 hectares fire raging through the Temagmi area.
“Let ’em burn!” said Phillips. “These are all fires started by lightning strikes and are perfectly natural. It’s time we stopped meddling with nature and let her do her thing. She’ll will balance herself out, like she always does.”
And what of the $40 000 left over?
“Oh, that’s to help us burn down more forests in Ontario.”
“What I’m proposing is the hiring of a single ‘fireman’ who will go around to all of the major forests in Ontario and find the most economic way to burn them up. I understand he might have to light a few different fires in a few different places, but that’s why he’s getting an hourly wage.”
“We randomly selected four places to start and came up with forests in Niagara, Durham, York, and Waterloo.”
That all of the forests named are a part of the Greenbelt is “purely coincidence” says Phillips.
“From there the fireman will move north to the Algonquin Park area and get burning there. Then he’ll move west for a bit and torch Samuel de Champlain and Resoutle, before heading up to burn Killarney and whatever’s left of the Temagmi area.”
“Ultimately, no forest will be spared.”
The end goal is to “have no forests left to protect in Ontario,” says Phillips. “And if there are no forests left, then there’s no point in having any money earmarked for wildland fire management.”
“It is, really and truly, the best plan for Ontario. So crack a $1 beer and get your marshmallows ready folks, cause it’s ROASTING season!”
48 thoughts on “Government to Burn All Ontario Forests”
well, something had to be done! It might not be a popular decision, but the debt has to be controlled. Great reporting!
Are they going to be burning on personal property? I have a yard full of damn trees
POOR CANADA!! What a shame! And we thought Trump was a idiot
Towns, homes, camps, cities will burn?? WTF ?? What about the loging industry?? What about wild life??
The fires will continue to spread out of control ??
We should look at other solutions then burn the whole province…
Worst idea to come from a politics..
This must be a joke …
Don’t you know trees take carbon dioxide and other harmful toxins from the air and release oxygen back into the air. So you all want burn them all ??
Don’t you know they release oxygen into the air and you want to burn them??
I’m I missing something here? Is it because Muslim don’t like forest!? They want Ontario to look more like a desert? Make them feel more at home?
Now that would make sense wouldn’t it
Seriously are they are crack?
This is a great idea I agree
Is this a joke???? I can’t believe that anyone, even Doug Ford, would be so stupid as to burn down all the forests just so the price of beer would drop! If this is real, people need to start a petition, picket city hall, oust Doug Ford!! I am scared for Ontario, very scared!!
What!?what about people house around and all the animals that could died ! And job forest his more important then BEERS!!?
This guy is a complete and utter idiot!
I’m no Doug Ford fan but, if you all took the time to read the disclaimer on the bottom of the home page, you would know that this is a satire and parody website and that all articles are completely ficticous. Also, do any of you really believe that he would be allowed to do this?? Seriously, use your brains.
This is a goddam disgrace, i cant believe we have theese idiots in our goverment the worst fucking ive had ever heard in my lifetime, please someone in goverment stop this stupid idiotic idea before we dont have anything left here ontario, we have one of the most diverse provices , iam very proud to live here in northern ontario, dont make me eat my words DOUG FORD
Does it really matter what they do??? Nobody is going to be happy anyway! Burn all the stupid people with it!
This has to be a pitiful joke!
How can we spend billions of dollars importing immigrants that hardly contribute to Canada but complain about the cost of forest fires.As for our wood Quebec has been getting the benefits of most of it for a long time now.Instead of burning it all down give it back to our province and create jobs for “Ontario ” instead.Let it burn ok but stop it when it gets close to homes.Or will the government pay for our houses,cottages,business and by the way it takes a long time for trees to grow back to usable size.We complained about the forest being burned in South America but don’t care about ours!
I like to lick butts.
Does anyone actually read and think about what they’ve read anymore? Look at the title of the paper. Look at the next line. “The North Bay news source you can blindly trust.”. IT IS SATIRE!! You know, a comic take-off on reality. Wow, reading the comments makes me think that rational thought and analysis has disappeared. Our world is in real trouble.
How about cutting more old growth to reduce fires instead of burning everything. It will give more jobs and less fires. If we let nature do what it wants it will wipe us all out. Give your head a shake people.
This must be a joke. Where’s your source. I don’t believe this for one second.
This is ridiculous and better be fake news! Where are the sources!! What a disgrace Canada is turning to be! So sad!????
The North Bay Version of the Onion News lmao
Um, guys, this is a satire site. There are plenty of reasons to hate Ford but this is a literal satire site.
oh my god Are you all that stupid and think this is real? Its satire Oh my god We are doomed Citizens cant tell No wonder things arethe way they are. Such misdirected anger at a satire site.
here’s an idea for our fucked in the head politians how bout instead burning all of ontario and where ever else to so call save money when in realality it will for a bigger loss we need our lumber to build keep warm in winter we need our trees to clean our air and give us oxygen our wildlife need our trees for shelter etc. it will ruin our tourisum big time people come from allover the world to see our beautiful 4 seasons come to see our beautiful parks lakes and more if you burn all our forests u kill our tourism you will kill ontario many ways. WTF is wrong with all our goverenments Canda/ US ALIKE. give your heads a shake why don’t u take a fucking pay cut out of your fat wallets instead.thats a better idea. oh ya i forgot you like your fat wallets more then the people and wildlife etc. fuck you ontario canada. i think we ontarioians should all rally together and put our foot down on our government and say enough is enough. linch mob if we have to. province wide or wider.
We actually need forests fires to you know have a forest for the next generation, a lot of the trees don’t just drop seeds and bam a new tree. No they need the heat from the fire to actually open. And it helps control the fallen trees and brush that has accumulated for new vegetation to grow. This also helps control invasive species in our Forests, and I assume you know what a tick is (I do and never once seen one) well news flash, ticks can’t escape a fire and if you are worried about those you should be thanking the forest fires.
It is perfectly natural and at least I partially agree with this (like letting them burn) i do not agree with the part of not controlling them (to not harm towns and so forth). I believe they should be monitored and controlled to an extent, but if they are not harming a town well what is the harm in actually letting them burn?
Is this a fn joke? It better be! OMG! Pure stupidity! Forests are an integral part of our lives. Trees produce oxygen, regulate temperatures and provide shade for wildlife. Trees help to stop and slow erossion. We use products daily produced from trees harvested from our forests. What is Ford going to use to wipe his ass with? Food packaging, and boxes to ship them in are all made from trees. And then they want to just start lighting forest on fire and let them burn uncontrolled? People will loose their homes, lively hoods, their livestock, towns and properties will be demolished. Smart thinking…? The north will no longer be Fords problem. With out homes and jobs we will all move into Toronto.
What in the actual fucking hell is going on in there damn minds? This us just stupidity and willingness to shoot outselfs in the foot lots of jobs lost in logging and wild life populations will literally drop and kill off multiple species and for what to save government some coin so not worth it. Smarten the fuck up you idiotic people in government and power my god
Boy are we ever a gullible lot. This is fake news.
This is just a joke article, I checked it out.!
This is a joke right?
Wow if this is real it is time to support the Northern Ontario Party and the First Nation People to protect our selves from a government paid arsonists. We also have to protect our wildlife . Our water and homes. What about all the tax revenue from our mines and saw mills. Doesn’t any money get earmarked for the North. That’s all Doug Ford talked about during the election. Resource revenue staying in the north for the people of the north. I hope that wasn’t more blah blah just to get elected. I expect dumb as s ideas from the Wynn government. It goes to show you a majority governments in Canada works against the best interest of its citizens.
Good joke lol really had me worried for a moment
I think that the people we have put in government need to give there head a shake. Out of anything our earth, trees, water, air, animals, and human life are more important than the fucking dollar. They just want to burn all the provintial parks to sell off for the dollar amount on selling, but not to pay any care into how much oxygen these trees produce for us and protection from the weather etc. They all waste money on shit that doesn’t matter, and make false promises that they don’t keep. Or as soon as one government leader actually pays some of our dept, we put another fucking idiot in that undoes it all in a matter of months. Until we as a world wide nation of people stand together for what counts and not the stupid shit like let’s change the wording on the national anthem, we all will suffer the consequences of letting the government waste our time, money, our ecological resources, our basic needs for survival, and our lives. They care more for the dollar than our life and the lives to come. Oh and not to mention what is this teaching anyone let alone our children, not to give a damn about life or nature or things that really matter, no wonder our province has gone to shit lately.
This is the funniest thing i’ve read in my life ?? and it’s even funnier that some of yous believe this ??
Scroll down to the bottom of page folks
“Disclaimer: The North Bay Bay is a news satire and parody website. All articles are fictitious. So don’t take them too seriously, be nice to others, and eat your vegetables, ok?
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At the bottom of this post ???Disclaimer: The North Bay Bay is a news satire and parody website. All articles are fictitious. So don’t take them too seriously, be nice to others, and eat your vegetables, ok?
1) I CALL 100% BULLSHIT ON THIS.
2) 90% of that is native land that the government the last i heard had no control over what so ever…. BECAUSE IT’S NATIVE LAND…. NOT WHITE MAN LAND…
3) why does the Government want to kill off the human race…
No trees mean no clean air…. No Life human or animal…..
1. Controlled burns are actually beneficial to the environment.
2. The footer of this page clearly says “Disclaimer: The North Bay Bay is a news satire and parody website. All articles are fictitious. So don’t take them too seriously, be nice to others, and eat your vegetables, ok?”
3. No one’s going to notice this comment and ignorantly complain about things.
It’s a joke there is no way this would happen.
All over keeping the cost of beer down you dumb ass who do you thing starts most of the fires while out camping the drunks with your cheeper beer it is not mother nature so it begins we get rid of 1 ass to get another
Would be kind of a good idea, if it were true. If you believe that the government is going to take away from this to reduce the cost of beer, then you would believe that they are going to cut the price of new cars by half. Then most of the big name vehicle plants would be out of business because their employees wouldn’t get the $30 an hour jobs for watching a robot put a vehicle together. Or perhaps like the rest of us humanity you all just want the best for nothing.
Is this for real
This is a joke right?
Canadians care more about the Environment…why are you doing this?
So no more hiking, no more wild animals?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You say you want Mother Nature to take control and do her part, so you won’t help demolish the forest fires but create more so no more forests?
this is beyond fucked up and I am not proud to be Canadian right now because of how stupid the politics are. All you care about is beer and money?
Don’t we need trees to breathe, to live around, support homes for animals, you know important stuff?
I am so disgusted and disappointed on this decision.
It should not be a one person decision but a whole country decision….what a disgrace…your not a true Canadian then…you should be ashamed and embarrassed for speaking to the public with this…this makes me want to move out of here now
Clearly a joke people. Anyone who takes this story seriously is a moron.
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