From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff
NORTH BAY – An independent study has confirmed what everyone suspected: the Gateway Home Hardware is staffed by demi-gods and literal saints.
The unassuming red and grey building also appears to be a pocket universe, containing an endless treasure trove of useful things.
“At first I thought the study was a joke,” explains researcher Katy Page. “But after three weeks of study, I’m convinced that everyone in that building possesses superhuman abilities and the structure itself is bigger on the inside.”
Page says she physically examined the building outside, before being asked if she wanted a tape measure by one of the staff who then let her measure the inside too.
Then they let her keep the tape measure.
“Who just gives away a tape measure?” exclaims Page.
Not Humanly Possible
Page tested Gateway by buying over $1000 worth of items and returning them the next day, where the items were happily received and Page’s money quickly returned.
“They didn’t even bat an eye.”
Page began requesting increasingly outlandish items, only to have all items found.
“One day I asked for the most obscure, tiny, strangest looking plastic coupler known to man and James found it in under a minute,” says Page. “How is that humanly possible?”
“That’s right – it’s not.”
Secret Still Safe
Katy Page originally planned to publish her findings, but is now unsure about how they will be received by the scientific community.
“I don’t think anyone outside of the city is going to believe me on this one,” sighs Page.