Ford/Fedeli sleepover gets weird, results in theft of ceremonial mace

From: Darren D. MacDonald, staff

NORTH BAY – Reports have come in that a pre-planned Doug Ford/Vic Fedeli sleepover might have gotten a bit strange.

The sleepover, dubbed “FordRest 2019,” happened Sunday, June 23rd. But reports indicate that plans for the sleepover originated from an early May meeting – well before Vic Fedeli was removed from his Finance Minister position.

Leading up to the June 23rd sleepover, the Ford Government released a statement, explaining their (then) upcoming 5 month summer vacation.

“We are doing politics like never before,” reads the declaration. “We have accomplished more in the past year than Canada has since its inception in 1964, when Army General Tim Horton invented poutine and earned Canada’s independence. Never before has a Premier, especially one named Doug Ford, cut this many programs and done such a great service for Ontario. So, to celebrate one year of the best government Canada has ever seen, we are taking an extended break.”

Following the statement, Ford packed up his toothbrush and Maple Leaf jammies to join Fedeli for the pre-arranged sleepover.

Despite some early awkwardness, reports indicate that Fedeli and Ford took to the local Beer Store to buy some buck-a-beers before hammering them back in the parking lot.

Then things got weird.

The Mace Theft

“It was the darndest thing,” says longtime Nipissing University custodian Terry Cantrell. “They (Ford and Fedeli) were hanging out at the front doors to the University Sunday night. I voted for Ford in the election, so I wanted to meet him, but when I opened one of the doors they rushed in, knocking me over. I hit my head pretty hard and blacked out a little.”

“When I came to, there was a sticker on my shirt telling me how much the Carbon Tax was costing me, and there was a warm dollar beer in my hand.”

“It’s not the way I wanted to meet him, but beggars can’t be choosers I guess.”

While Cantrell was out, it appears Fedeli and Ford stole The Nipissing University Mace. Police were alerted to the antics shortly after, and began an investigation into the duo now being called “Team Fordeli.”

“We arrived at the University at approximately 11pm Sunday night,” says North Bay Police Sergeant Jeanette Lawrence. “It was there we found a dazed, but happy, Mr.Cantrell, and an empty case where the Nipissing University Mace usually rests.”

“Early attempts at tracking Team Fordeli were unsuccessful. But then it dawned on us: we were thinking of them as two government officials on a buck-a-beer bender when we should have been thinking of them more as two frat boys with a newly acquired, totally pimped out ceremonial mace.”

“As soon as we changed our way of thinking, we found them.”

Police spotted Team Fordeli in Thompson Park attempting to use the mace to crush empty beer cans and other loose debris. Alerted to the police presence, Team Fordeli took the mace and fled into the night.

“As of now, we do not know where Doug Ford or Vic Fedeli are,” says Lawrence. “But we are working alongside other dispatches to make sure that we can find them before their 5 month summer break is over. Education, healthcare, and environmental efforts aren’t just going to cut themselves.”

In a public statement, New Ontario Finance Minister Rod Phillips kindly asked for Ford and Fedeli to return the mace, and for Ford to please bring back his Maple Leaf jammies.

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