North Bay Heritage Railway lights wheels on fire to attract more “extreme” crowd

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY — Citing lackluster ticket sales, The North Bay Heritage Railway has decided to take a more “extreme approach” to its daily operations.

“Well, for starters, we’re going to light the train’s wheels on fire,” says long-time Conductor Andy Brooks. “We’ve also changed some of the train’s decals, and added a big scary skull onto the front.”

Brooks and The Heritage Railway hope that the new look will attract more visitors.

“We still have some tourists and reliable regulars that come by, but we thought we might change it up this year. You know, give the ol’ train a bit of a bite.”

Brooks began testing the new flaming train last week and says that so far the response has been positive.

“Aside from a few minor burns, and one fairly major one, no one important has been hurt and everyone seems to be screaming and having fun.”

Other Improvements

But the changes at The North Bay Heritage Railway aren’t limited to just train aesthetics.

“We’ve also replaced the lighthearted railway music with Slayer,” says Brooks, “and we’re overdubbing the train’s chugging sounds with hellish pig-like screams.”

“Now if that doesn’t get the 13 to 17 crowd out, I don’t know what will.”

But Brooks says the final touch is what’s “under the hood.”

“We added a second engine to the locomotive so that the train can hit speeds of up to 110 km/hr,” smiles Brooks.

“Which is really important, because unless we get up to 80 km/hr, we won’t make it up and over the new Extreme Mountain Dew® 20 Foot Train Jump™ at the end of the rail.”

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