Every Airport property sold!

From: Philip St. George, thenorthbaybay.ca staff

NORTH BAY – Just days after the Ontario Government officially increased minimum wage, every piece of property on Airport Hill has been sold.

“Clearly, the increase in minimum wage had encouraged North Bayites to buy houses,” explained Art Studebaker, a now successful real estate agent. “It’s like, one day they’re all going along making $11.40 an hour, and then the next it’s $14 dollars, and suddenly they’re finally able to buy that 4000 square foot 4 bathroom, 3 garage home of their dreams.”

June Stifle, an employee at one of the few remaining Tim Horton’s in North Bay, was excited to move into her new home on Pearce St.

“Sure, it’s only a 5 bedroom, 4 bathroom, 2 story detached house with double interlocking parking, central air, and 2800 square feet of space, but it’s a start,” said June. “I mean, last week I was living in a derelict shed on McIntyre with a rat named Steve, so it’s a step up.”

“I think Steve will really like the pool.”

Unhappy Neighbours

But not everyone’s happy about the increase in minimum wage and all the new neighbours.

Joe Trenton, a lifelong North Bayite and long-time resident of Janey Ave., didn’t like that all the empty houses were being bought up by minimum wage workers.

“I had to work hard every day of the week for twenty years to be able to afford this house” says Joe. “Ok, sure, maybe my dad put in the down payment on the house, and sure, maybe I spent seven years partying in college, and okay, both my parents bought me a company and made me the CEO, but it felt like twenty years to me, ok?”

Joe points down the street at some of the other totally unique, non cookie-cutter houses.

“That one is owned by a lawyer, those two by doctors, and that one on the end belongs to a University professor who teaches a course about the plight of the blue-collar, working class man.”

Joe points to the house right next to his.

“But this one was bought by a clerk from Sobey’s last week.”

The two-story home, complete with a fully finished basement, 4 bathrooms, a large rec room with bar, sauna and hot tub room, is probably the most perfect thing North Bay has ever produced.

Joe points to a parked Ford Focus in the driveway and scoffs.

“That’s not a car for Airport Hill.”

When it was pointed out that Joe himself had three non-functioning cars in his driveway, including a ‘09 Mitsubishi Lancer and two mid 2000s Pontiac Sunfires, Joe only responded “yeah, but it’s different ‘cause I’m rich.”

Driving Upwards

Elsewhere in North Bay, minimum wage earners have also begun buying luxury yachts at the North Bay Marina, “rustic” $300,000 cabins in Callander, and RRSPs that will actually let them retire before they die.

Back on Airport, Art Studebaker is encouraging all the minimum wage workers to consider buying a new home.

“You’re not just buying a home,” Art said. “When you buy a house on Airport Hill you buy luxury, stability, and above all else, the right to drive around like an absolute asshat.”

“‘Child Crossing’ signs and Airport speed limits will literally mean nothing to you.”

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