Giant dirt pile outside No Frills gains sentience, eats three

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY — The giant dirt pile outside of the Lakeshore No Frills gained sentience sometime Saturday evening, and has eaten three people.

Eye-witness accounts say the pile of dirt, snow, and cigarette butts began to “tremble” around 7:30 pm Saturday night, before declaring that it was alive.

When two nearby citizens approached the pile, the now living heap ate both and then a third that came to help.

Attempts to rescue the three victims from the pile were unsuccessful. Lost are Karen Atwater (43), Rick Janson (44), and Kristen MacLean (25) of North Bay, On.


The semi-intelligent pile is just one of “dozens” located throughout the city, says North Bay Police Sergeant Jeanette Lawrence.

“There’s one by Scollard and another by Staples,” reports Lawrence. “One at the end of O’Brien too, and the pile at Winners just ate one of my best men.”

“It’s an epidemic. Worst of all, some of them are smart enough to talk now. I’d say their I.Q.s aren’t high: maybe somewhere in the 50 or 60 range, but it’s enough to cause trouble.

The North Bay Mall pile “is the most vocal.”

“We’ve quarantined the area as best we can,” says Lawrence. “But the pile has found other ways of hurting people. Last I checked it was shouting Avengers: Endgame spoilers.”

“The absolute monster.”

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