Curling distracts from giant lizard rampage

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY — Standing almost 300 feet tall and weighing approximately 90 000 tons, a giant, radioactive “death lizard” tore down Lakeshore Drive Saturday, destroying hundreds of buildings and killing thousands, but nobody noticed because curling was happening.

The 2018 Ford Women’s World Curling Championship at Memorial Gardens drew record numbers, as fans watched the reigning Olympic champion Sweden battle Canada for the World Women’s Curling Championship. The final match-up saw Sweden’s Anna Hasselborg go head-to-head with Canada’s own Jennifer Jones in a thrilling battle for superiority.

Meanwhile, the still unnamed dread lizard ripped open the Lakeshore Metro, eating dozens of shoppers and making a general mess of the cake section.

The final match for the Ford Women’s World Curling Championship was a tight one, with the game remaining scoreless going into the fourth end. There, Canada pulled ahead by two; however, Hasselborg was able to snatch away three in the fifth, before Canada responded with two more in the sixth. Sweden gained another point in the seventh, and two more in the tenth, but two points snatched by Jones in the ninth and a last point in the extra eleventh end have Canada a 7-6 victory.

The Destruction Continues

At the same time, the 27 story tall lizard unleashed its horrific atomically powered lightning breath on The North Bay Mall, indiscriminately melting people, cars and the Urban Planet everyone forgot North Bay had.

At Memorial Gardens, spectators were delighted to find out that the 50-50 draw was $18,712, Jones still loved all of her teammates, and Hasselborg was being a pretty good sport.

Having destroyed nearly two-third of the Ferris area, the great nuclear reptile slowly slunk in Lake Nipissing, disappearing under the frigid waves, perhaps to emerge again when everyone wasn’t so distracted by shuffleboard on ice.

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