From: Darren D. MacDonald, thenorthbaybay.ca
NORTH BAY — It’s no secret that this year’s winter has brought above average levels of snow. With spring supposedly around the corner, North Bay is currently looking not at warmer temperatures and a springtime melt, but forecasts warning of even more snow.
While some are blaming natural phenomenon or climate change, North Bay’s Chair of Engineering, Public Works and Environmental Services has a different theory.
“I’ve collected a lot of evidence,” says a frantic Grey Terrence. “Yes, yes. I’ve collected it. And I believe that the amount of snow that we have isn’t the result of ‘climate change.’ It’s not natural. Not natural!
““I believe, no, no. No. I know it’s the Zambonis.”
Zambonis are large machines used to clean and polish sheets of ice, and are usually found in ice rinks.
“This isn’t me saying that climate change isn’t a thing,” froths Terrance. “I know it is. I know it is. But look at the facts: there is always a snowbank outside of indoor ice rinks. Even in the summer. What is also at ice rinks? Zambonis.”
“Now, Zamboni-caused snowbanks are fine during the summer, where the heat can melt it, but what would happen if it’s the winter? Huh? What would happen? Where the cold would create conditions for the snow to multiply? You know what happens? It spreads! The Zambonis make the snow, and it spreads! That’s why we have so much snow!”
North Bay Zamboni Alliance
After Terrance’s presentation to Council on his Zamboni theory, protests began outside city hall by the newly formed “North Bay Zamboni Alliance”.
“We think it’s very irresponsible to make those sorts of claims without actually educating yourself,” says Zamboni driver Nolan Janson. “Zambonis don’t even create snow. It’s more of an ice shaving pile, mixed in with whatever bodily fluids players are leaving on the ice. Which is a lot of bodily fluids.”
“And what, does he think the Zambonis drive themselves? That they start up at night and just drive themselves around town, making snow?”
“Who is this guy? I don’t even remember him being on the election ballot!”
Despite the protests, Councillor Terrence stands by his beliefs, tweeting “#itsthezambonis Wake up North Bay! Prove me wrong… Prove me wrong!” followed by an eggplant emoji late last night.