City vows to win next year’s Code of Silence Awards

From: Philip St. George and Rooster Cogburn,

NORTH BAY — An “honourable mention” for the 2019 Code of Silence Awards was not enough.

“We want to be #1,” says an unnamed, fully masked City Councillor. “Nobody on council is happy with the result, so starting immediately we’re going to get even more secretive.”

The heavily disguised City Councillor says that, beginning in March, all Council meetings “will be held by candlelight” and all Councillors will be required to wear “long robes and hoods.”

Additionally, all changes to infrastructure, taxation, municipal codes, and personnel changes will be written on the back of a yellowing envelope and placed somewhere inside City Hall for exactly one hour on an unspecified day.

“I think between City Hall, Canadore College, and North Bay Hydro we’ve got this buttoned right up,” says another fully-masked City Councillor. “Hydro tells you nothing about what they’re doing, the City tells you nothing about what they’re going to do, and the College tells you nothing about what they’ve done.”

Further Measures Planned

And what if North Bay doesn’t win the 2020 Code of Silence Award?

“We’re prepared to go even further,” says the masked, hooded City Councillor. “Step one – change the city’s slogan to ‘Just North Enough to be None of Your Business.'”

“Step two – hire an ex-KGB member named Petya Yuri Valkin to find and shut down anyone who says anything about what the City is doing.”

The hooded Councillor smiles.

“I wouldn’t worry too much about that second part. Just remember this simple saying: if you happen to see Mr. Valkin, you better quit your mouth from talkin.”

Feel free to share!