Late city bus forces hundreds of students to practice cannibalism

From: Darren D. MacDonald, staff

NORTH BAY — Tragedy struck last week as a city transit bus was 34 hours late.

“I kind of felt it in my gut that something was going to be wrong,” says Nipissing University student Grant Clint. “It was Wednesday at 1:25 pm. The bus was supposed to arrive, but didn’t show up. Then, 2:25 came and… nothing.”

“Another hour and still nothing. By 4:25 the fear had begun to sink in.”

The 1B University bus scheduled to arrive at 1:25pm on November 20th didn’t show up for over 30 hours, leaving hundreds of college and university students cold, stranded, and starving.

“It was rough,” explains student survivor Tiffany Green. “Tents were donated to us and we tried to make the best of it, but after 12 hours, things got out of hand. People were getting irritable.”

“Eventually, someone got hungry enough and then all the cannibalism broke out.”

Eating Trevor

“There was no other option for me,” says fellow student Brock Hilton. “I had to eat my friend Trevor. The 1B University was the only bus that would bring me to the terminal and I was so hungry.”

“I mean, I guess there is University 1A, but that doesn’t go straight down Algonquin. It would have taken too long. So Trevor had to die.”

The city bus finally showed up on November 22nd, ending the 34 hour nightmare, and saving the ribs, thighs and breasts of dozens of undergrads.

Transit Defends 

We reached out to North Bay City Transit to hear their side.

“You know, we can’t always predict traffic,” explained Greg Raimi, Manager of North Bay Transit. “What with all these detours going on, it’s hard to know who and what will be where when and how. That’s all there is to it, and that’s all I’ll say.”

RIP Veronica

Student survivor Tiffany Green says whatever Raimi’s explanation, it’s no excuse for leaving hundreds of student stranded for so long.

“I had never seen a man eat another man before,” moans Green. “And now– now I’ve seen it. And I’ve been there. We always used to joke that my friend Veronica was ‘thicc,’ but no one would have ever guessed that she was also juicy.”

“RIP Veronica. Your thighs gave us strength.”

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