Christian Black Metal Band Brutally Raises a Church

From: Darren D. MacDonald, staff

NORTH BAY — Residents of the Trout Lake area were shocked Sunday morning to find something new standing in a formerly empty lot: a church.

“It’s a head scratcher,” says local Jim Harbour. “One day it’s just an empty lot, and then – POOF – I wake up to bells ringing.  Whoop there it was: a church.”

The new church is made from locally sourced maple trees that have been ripped from their roots and brutally skinned alive. The corpses of the trees are chopped and mangled together to form a cold emotionless structure bound with raw, unforgiving steel. 

The building is finished with beautiful red cedar double doors.

Those responsible for this crime against trees came forward and turned themselves in to North Bay Police Services. Sergeant Jeanette Lawrence spoke to the media earlier today.

“The individuals that raised the church are members of a Christian Black Metal band called ‘Angels of the Flaming Sword,’” explains Lawrence. “I don’t know why they turned themselves in: they have permits and it’s all up to code. Some quality work, actually.”

Mastermind and lead guitarist Sami Wright explained the band’s church-raising reasons.

“As a black metal band, we wanted to make a statement,” sing-speaks Wright. “We wanted people to know what we stand for and what we believe in. And that is the word of the Lord.  So, taking a page from our Norwegian Black Metal forefathers, we raised a church instead of burning one.”

Not everyone is pleased with the sickening display of selflessness.

“I think it’s unacceptable, and a perfect display of what is wrong with the world!” says a very flustered Glen Wicket, local Satanist. “You try to raise your kids by the Satanic Bible and you have stuff like this happening right in public!  What am I supposed to tell my kid?”

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