Chief Commanda III: The Reckoning

From: Philip St. George, staff

NORTH BAY –  It’s official – there will now be three Chiefs.

The announcement of the commission of a third Chief Commanda came Monday from new City Councillor Vic Tikus.

Tikus, 49, was sworn in after thirteen City Councillors tragically died from staring directly into last week’s solar eclipse with high power binoculars.

“It’s a great day for North Bay!” Vic cried. “We’re going to build a third Chief Commanda. We’ve got a manufacturer signed, the new Chief should be ready for Summer 2020, and we’re not going to go a cent over 12 million!”

Thunderous applause met the statement, most of which was supplied via a loudspeaker dangling out of City Hall.


Vic went on to share some details about the Chief Commanda III.

“She’s going to be three times the size of the current Chief, and will hold up to 500 people. We’re not sure what colour she’ll be yet, but we’re thinking fuchsia and teal.”

The current Chief Commanda II is 53 years old and does tours of Lake Nipissing for people who don’t live in North Bay or just want to get drunk on a large, slow moving object.

The new vessel, named “Chief Commanda III: The Reckoning,” will measure out at over 510 feet (160 m) long with a displacement of 9200 tons and will posses an armament of more than 90 missiles.

It will also feature a brand new giant death laser which was donated by the ever-moving, disturbingly ethereal Discovery North Bay Museum

“She’s a real beaut” future captain Robert Nelson said. “Every ship should be like her. Now we can take out all those fishermen who leave their shacks on the ice.”

When asked whether the new Chief would also be an ice-breaker, the grisly Captain Nelson only smiled and stroked his graying beard as he swayed and mumbled uncomfortably.

Jake Beauchamp, the local representative for the Union of Ontario Indians, said they were delighted by the news of a third Chief Commanda, adding that “the new Chief will be bigger, better, and that giant death laser is pretty bitchin’ too.”

Vic Tikus summed up the announcement with a few choice words.

“Local jobs. Canadore. Savings. Waterfront. Jobs. Film. Support.”

He then stared directly into the sun until everyone left.

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